BogsBlog: Clarity Amid The Muck

Ding Dong, The Dick Is Dead (aka Rot in Hell, Osama bin Laden)

2011-05-02T12:13:00.004-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

I’m no flag-waver. I don’t get a lump in my throat when the “Star-Spangled Banner” is played, nor do I recite the Pledge of Allegiance. But seeing the jubilant crowds that spontaneously appeared outside the White House, at Ground Zero and other places after the announcement of Osama bin Laden’s death, I couldn’t help but be overcome.

We Americans, even those who did not lose a loved one on 9/11, have carried a shared torment with us since that horrific day. And while I believe that will always be so (or at least as long as there are people alive who remember that day), the torment has abated ever so slightly with the news that the mastermind has gotten his. I felt it, and I’ll take it.

This does not end the threat of terrorism in the U.S. and worldwide; in fact, it may stoke more hatred for Americans among some circles. It does not end the liquid restrictions on airplanes. All that crap remains in place. But again, something has definitely changed for the better. I'm going to savor the feeling while I can.

I once again find myself compelled to say “Thank you, Mr. President.” I’d long been convinced that finding bin Laden was no longer part of the mission; from this development and a few specifics President Obama mentioned last night, it’s clear that was not the case.

Thank You, Mr. President: Obama Pens Gun Law Op-Ed

2011-03-14T10:32:00.007-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Months after the deadly Tuscon shootings, President Obama has published an op-ed on our nation’s paltry, ineffectual gun laws in an Arizona newspaper. Better late than never – and with Obama eyeing reelection in 2012 and fearful of the NRA, I was honestly expecting never.

Read the piece, and note his use of terms like "common sense," "reasonable" and "sensible." Could it be he read my apocryphal SOTU address on gun violence and laws? I’m happy to have him or anyone plagiarize it.

Thank you, Mr. President. I may yet vote for you in 2012.

President Obama’s 2011 State of the Union Address: Exclusive Bonus Material Not Seen in Home Theatres

2011-02-25T07:45:00.000-05:00

One month ago today, in an alternate reality, President Barack Obama gave a courageous State of the Union speech that, somewhere in the middle, included this segment on gun violence. Here, BogsBlog gives you an exclusive look at presidential responsibility and fortitude.

Begin transcript

There is no question the tragic events earlier this month in Tucson deeply affected all Americans, regardless of their political stripes. And again, our thoughts and prayers go out to Rep. Gabby Giffords and her family, as well as the other victims of this senseless act and their loved ones.

Respectful applause from the chamber

As I stand here tonight, no less than 11 peace officers have been shot in five states in the last 24 hours alone, two of them fatally.

It is long past time for us in Washington, DC to drop our partisan differences and work together to tackle the growing problem of gun violence in this country.

Tentative applause, primarily from the Democratic side of the chamber

We’ll undertake this critical task using the single tool we have at our disposal – carefully considered and crafted legislation.

A smattering of halfhearted applause, primarily from the Democratic side of the chamber

Now, there are those who will say that we already have too many gun laws in the United States. Well, I’m here to tell you, most Americans, including many gun control advocates, would gladly trade quantity for a handful of sensible, effective ones.

Slightly warmer applause, almost exclusively from the Democratic side of the chamber

Some say that strengthening gun laws is a slippery slope that will lead to the loss of a fundamental freedom guaranteed by the Constitution, and that responsible, law-abiding gun owners will be penalized.

Let me be clear: No one is advocating a repeal of the Second Amendment, or anything close to that sweeping in scope. But what many of us know must take place is constructive, civil dialogue followed by urgent action on the issue of common sense gun laws, which has long been considered a taboo topic in these halls.

A small amount of applause from the gallery

Certainly, all reasonable people can agree that firearms do not belong in the hands of convicted felons and the mentally ill.

More halfhearted applause, primarily from the Democratic side of the chamber

Further, that the so-called “gun show loophole” should be closed now, and permanently, to keep such individuals from easily obtaining guns.

Automatic and semiautomatic weapons, as well as high-capacity magazines such as those used in Tucson, pose an unacceptable risk in private hands, and should be restricted to law enforcement and the military.

And not even the most ardent sportsman has a need for armor-piercing bullets. Truth be told, no responsible civilian party does.

More halfhearted applause, primarily from the Democratic side of the chamber

In the coming days I will be unveiling a common sense legislative proposal that addresses these very issues exclusively. Each lawmaker in this chamber will also hear from me personally and directly so that I may address the concerns they will no doubt have regarding this bill.

And, of course, I welcome constructive input directly from the states as well.

Again, this is not part of any plan to roll back Second Amendment protections. Despite what the pundits may suggest, I am no fan of government overreach.

Scant applause and dubious, muffled laughter, primarily from the Republicant side of the chamber

I look forward to working with Congress to fashion federal legislation that gives both individuals and individual rights the protection they deserve.

Polite applause, primarily from the Democratic side of the chamber

Obama quickly segues to next topic

End transcript

President Obama, When Will You Address Gun Laws and Gun Violence?

2011-02-07T11:10:00.008-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The tragic January 8 Tucson shootings that killed six and injured 14, carried out by a madman wielding a semi-automatic pistol with a 33-round magazine he bought legally, are now fading from the news cycle. Americans have a short memory for such tragedies; perhaps because they happen all too often, and we've grown to expect them.

Mr. President, please show some courage in the face of a powerful Second Amendment fetishist lobby and address the problem of gun violence to the nation using unambiguous, forceful language. Now. Then follow it up with action.

UPDATE: As always, The Onion comes through with the definitive word on any subject.

DADT Repeal Part 2: It's Like Christmas in December

2010-12-20T18:56:00.006-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The Senate has voted to overturn the U.S. military's 17-year-long "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (DADT) policy, which forbade gay servicemembers from being open about their sexual orientation – under penalty of dismissal. Which saves me from having to write the "It's Time to Use Guerilla Tactics on the Bigoted Apes in Congress" post I had planned.

But here are some of the highlights just in case anyone's interested:

Get gay-straight alliances (the ones that have been allowed to exist, that is) in high schools to organize a "Just Say 'No' to Military Recruiters" campaign. When students are approached or called by recruiters, they would say they won't join any organization that discriminates against people.

In addition to the obvious tactics (slamming the phone lines and email in-boxes of DADT opponents in Congress), registering domain names such as JohnMcCainIsaBigot.com and JohnBoehnerIsaBigot.com, for examples, and launch sites that explain exactly why these lawmakers are no different than those who opposed a racially integrated military and will look just as bad in the history books.

Alas, none of this is necessary. Good job, Congress. It's been way too long since I've been able to say that.

Happy holidays to all.

Getting Into the Holiday Spirit, Republicants Do Their Best Ebenezer Scrooge Impression

2010-12-04T15:45:00.007-05:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The GOP (Greedy Old Pricks) have delivered on their promise to block an extension of tax cuts that would benefit most Americans because the wealthiest few – Republicants’ primary benefactors – aren’t included. (It should also be noted that many Senate Republicants themselves would be directly affected, given their own high economic stature.)

I’ve long considered Republicants the party of greed (and xenophobia), and they’ve confirmed their motivation by choosing to obstruct all legislation until the über-rich become a little richer.

How exactly will giving a few dollars back to people who already have plenty help the economy? More important: Will you ever give a shit about the "little" guy? Please do be specific.

Merry Christmas, motherfuckers!

Bush Senior, Forgetting Disdain for “Draft Dodgers,” Endorses Romney for President

2010-11-29T18:55:00.001-05:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

In a recent interview with Larry King, George H.W. Bush said Mitt Romney would make “a very good president.” Curious, as during the 1992 presidential campaign and beyond Bush 41 & Co. made much of Bill Clinton’s Vietnam War-era military service deferment, labeling him a “draft dodger.” Mitt Romney also received a deferment – ostensibly for Mormon missionary work.

A “draft dodger” was someone who got called up but fled to Canada (and also someone I admire, for the record) instead of reporting for duty. In a blatant act of political opportunism, in 1992 Republicants and other consternatives broadened the definition to include anyone who was eligible to serve during that time but didn’t.

By that definition, Mitt Romney is a “draft dodger.” (As are Dick Cheney, Rush Limbaugh and Karl Rove, for that matter.)

Perhaps time (or a faulty memory) has softened Bush’s view on cowardly, un-American “draft dodgers.” Or maybe it’s the same old political bullshit (way redundant, I admit it) that you hold your adversaries to high standards, but not your own people, and bank on no one recognizing your hypocrisy? My memory is not that short, Mr. Former President.

Tiger Tiger Burning Out, Will You Die Without a Doubt(?)

2010-11-22T20:11:00.013-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

2022 is the year experts say wild tigers will go extinct if slaughter by humans continues unchecked. Is it any surprise China, a country that never saw an animal it didn’t want to eat or commoditize, is a major culprit? Chinese poachers looking to profit from a country craving meat, skins, health remedies (here’s the real “ancient Chinese secret”) and trophies are killing the big kitties.

But if counter efforts work, the poachers may find themselves endangered. Here’s hoping!

Facing extinction has got to weigh heavy on the tigers’ psyches. I’ll be surprised if there’s not a spate of tiger suicides (and attempts, as was graphically portrayed in the 1998 Eddie Murphy remake of Dr. Doolittle) in the coming years. More existential poetry and songs penned by tigers, too.

And there are other obvious concerns: Isn’t announcing a date certain just waving a white flag of surrender to the terrorists, who can simply wait out the tigers’ extinction?

PS: Sharks are also endangered. Perhaps some of us can form an alliance with all these declining toothy predators, in which they agree to never attack us in return for help saving their tails from oblivion? Seems fair.

PPS: Tiger ... shark. See what I did there?

Is That a Bomb in Your Underwear, or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

2010-11-17T19:52:00.005-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Airline security is undergoing its own scrutiny as travelers are beginning to object to increasingly invasive measures. John Tyner made news when he not only refused a full-body scan but also the alternate pat-down option, which includes a manual check of the groin through clothing.

It should surprise no one that Tyner wasn't allowed to board his flight. What's troubling is that the TSA threatened him with a lawsuit and a fine if he left the security area. Let me get this straight: Once you get to security you can't go forward or backward without being checked? Can't decide to skip your trip? What the hell?

Tyner left and his incident is now under investigation ... which is probably just a formality since the cops (or their equivalent in any situation) always side with their own, usually saying they "acted appropriately" regardless of the truth. More of these checkpoint incidents are likely to come, so the TSA itself may need to lawyer up.

With a succession of would-be shoe bombers, underwear bombers and liquid-mixing bombers setting our security protocols – and who knows what these crafty, evil pigfuckers will try next – one wonders how long it will be before flying becomes too complicated a proposition to be feasible for most people.

Consternative Contradictions Part 4: To Insure or Not to Insure (And Whether or Not to Whine About It)

2010-10-23T15:30:00.000-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

In their campaign against so-called “big government,” consternatives are framing the health insurance requirement of the new health care law as a “loss of freedom.” This even though neither they nor anyone else is complaining that we’re required to buy insurance if we drive a car – and that’s most of us. We also have to buy homeowner's insurance and other forms of coverage.

This also even as they complain about the lazy, entitlement-loving, uninsured poor raising everyone else’s insurance rates with ER visits and surgeries they can’t afford. If the disadvantaged can get affordable insurance (also part of the law), the rest of us won’t be subsidizing them(!)

I don’t agree with the health insurance mandate myself (the health care law overall is weak and disappointing), but I’m not going to play the victim card and stoke exaggerated, unwarranted anger amongst the great uncritical masses. Unlike some people.

Consternative Contradictions Part 3: Educational Charity (aka Paying for Private Schools With Public Money)

2010-10-06T22:05:00.000-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Consternatives are the primary advocates for school vouchers, which can be used to pay for private school when parents can’t afford the tuition but don’t want their kids in public school. Florida Republicant gubernatorial candidate Rick Scott recently expressed his support for expanding vouchers, which were sharply limited here after a 2006 court ruling.

The contradiction lies in consternatives ostensibly wanting to fund education for the disadvantaged with taxpayer dollars, while deriding the notion of providing food, shelter and health care for the very same class of people by the same means. The terms “big government,” “out-of-control spending,” “taxing people to death” and “welfare queens” are often bandied angrily about. Why this selective concern for the underprivileged?

Some voucher critics don’t want to help pay for religious schools, and I can understand that. For me, the issue is that vouchers create a barrier to fixing the real problem: failing public schools. (I use similar logic in opposing the drilling of new oil wells in the U.S. – it doesn’t encourage companies to seek the non-polluting, renewable energy sources we should be pursuing.)

Whatever I may think on the topic, I know support for school vouchers is yet another glaring example of consternative hypocrisy.

Americans Should Learn to Talk American

2010-09-27T12:40:00.000-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Recently I saw a bumper sticker that read: “Speak English or Go Back to the Country You Left”

This got me thinking: Why stop at the spoken word when considering who(m) gets to stay or go? Let’s include the written word as well and send away people who write things like:

Your welcome.
We open at 7:00 everyday.
I like you alot.
I’m smarter then you.
I’ll prolly be late.

Sure, there are people with legitimate learning disabilities, but alot (sic) of this horrendous spelling comes from lazy-ass people who simply can’t be bothered to do things rite.

I bet many of those sporting the above bumper sticker wouldn’t pass a written English test. If not, I say we send ‘em back to wherever their great grandparents came from! Err, I mean, from wherever their great grandparents came. Or at least somewhere I won't ever encounter them.

The Secret Behind Tea Partier Christine O'Donnell’s Victory in the Delaware Primary: The Occult

2010-09-20T10:45:00.004-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Dedicated to (now) Republicant Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell, from the Chairman of the Board, Old Blue Eyes himself, Mr. Frank Sinatra.

Republicants’ 2010/2012 Election Victory Strategy Revealed!

2010-09-09T12:10:00.003-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

It’s very simple (appropriate, considering the average Republicant’s cognitive abilities):

1. From day one of Obama’s presidency, stall or obstruct every bill, every motion, every vote.

2. At election time, assert that Obama and the Democratic Congress didn’t get anything done.

3. Rely on the largely unsophisticated rabble that is the U.S. electorate not to connect 1 and 2 above, and to vote Republicant.

A Good, Old-Fashioned Book BBQ Planned for This Weekend

2010-09-07T10:10:00.001-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

If someone plans to burn your holy book because they think your religion is evil, what better way to disprove it than to hold a violent demonstration where you burn them in effigy and wish death on their entire country?

Karma Strikes Blockbuster Video

2010-08-30T11:35:00.004-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Back in the 80s, VHS was all the rage, and small, independent video stores were opening everywhere. Then Blockbuster Video came along with its larger (and, by corporate dictate, family-friendlier) movie selection and free membership, and those stores began disappearing.

Can you say “Walmart?”

Now Blockbuster is facing bankruptcy due to the growth of streaming online video and DVD-by-mail. I still have a Blockbuster card, but since Netflix came around, that store has pretty much lost me as a customer. If there is a specific movie I want to watch tonight, I will get it from one of the many rental boxes around.

A visit to the local Blockbuster has become a depressing affair: Half-empty shelves, with much of the stock up for sale as “previously viewed.” Few customers, even on Friday night, when one once might have had to wait in line to rent a video. A wasteland. It’s as if someone franchised Detroit.

I get no joy at the thought of anyone losing their job – especially in this economy – but I can’t help thinking this is the business version of karma (“what goes around comes around”) for the former video behemoth.

So, when can we expect Walmart to get a taste of that karma?

What Experts Won’t Tell You About Preventing Identity Theft

2010-08-18T11:25:00.002-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

ID theft is rampant, and so are articles dispensing advice on how to keep it from happening to you. While these are admirable and mostly helpful, there are some obvious tactics they consistently ignore:

Add some dirty diapers, broken glass, rancid dairy products, hepatitis C-tainted syringes and/or anything else generally considered repulsive to every bag of garbage – preferably right on top before you tie it up. (At the very least, you’ll make stealing your identity a memorable experience for the thief.)

Buy a document shredder at an office supply store. Then turn it on and shove a would-be identity thief’s fingers into it while it’s running.

When using an ATM, gas pump, debit card machine, etc., keep a loaded gun in your palm and use it to threaten anyone you suspect of trying to get a glimpse of your card number and/or PIN. It’s your Second Amendment right (USA readers only).

Avoid using banks. Your money is safest in an old shoebox – made of fireproof cardboard – underneath your bed, where identity thieves (and the gubmint) can’t get at it.

Use cash for everything – including buying overpriced drinks on “cashless” JetBlue and Delta airlines. I find that goading flight attendants can be very fruitful, and will only occasionally get you arrested at the arrival gate.

I hope these tips help protect you from becoming a victim of identity theft!

Ground Zero Becomes Ground Zero in Mosque Dispute

2010-08-16T21:30:00.003-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

I must weigh in on the controversial plan to build an Islamic center just blocks from Ground Zero, the site of the 9/11 terrorist attacks in New York. While all Americans have a right to their religious beliefs, and to own property, I feel these plans are ill-advised. And somewhat baffling, considering who is making them.

Muslims, in my view, have more holy sites – about which they are very protective and sensitive – than there are grains of sand in the entire Middle East. They are touchy about who (men vs. women, infidels vs. believers, etc.) does what (dresses revealingly, drives, mixes with members of the opposite sex, worships, etc.) where (Muslim countries, a holy city, mountain, building, etc.), and on what day (one of many holy days throughout the year). They seem hyperaware of what constitutes sacred, and what behaviors are appropriate. So why is the significance of this site lost on some of them?

Not all Muslims are terrorists, and I don’t think the "real" scheme is to build an al-Qaida training facility in Lower Manhattan. But 9/11 is painfully and permanently burned into many people’s memories – not just jingoistic, politically motivated consternatives – and, right or wrong, that horror will always be inextricably connected to Islam. The attackers were Muslims who carried out their (misguided, murderous) deeds as an act of faith, and praised their god as they did it. How about showing some reason and compassion here?

I would not join a lawsuit against the Muslim center, nor would I picket the site. However, I consider this move an insensitive one – a view which probably makes me seem insensitive and threatens my liberal creds in the view of others. We all have our limits, and so does tolerance.

If You Don’t Vote, You Can Still Complain About the Outcome: Why I May Skip the 2010 Election

2010-08-09T14:30:00.002-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

For the first time since I became old enough to vote, I'm thinking about staying home on election day. As I write this, early voting is underway in my state.

Should I care if Republicants regain the majority in this mid-term election? Will I even notice? Congressional Democrats have squandered their majority the way President Bush squandered international goodwill after 9/11.

This Congress did pass health care reform and Wall Street reform, but both in very watered-down forms. (If a Democratic majority can’t get universal health care passed in this country, who the hell can?)

To its credit, Congress quickly jumped into action in response to the Supreme Court’s misguided decision to remove spending limits on political campaigns; the resulting legislation, however, was essentially neutered by its exemption of powerful special interests such as the NRA.

The current Democratic administration has continued and/or defended a number of Bush-era policies, including the Orwellian Patriot Act, which takes away the privacy of ordinary, decent Americans. This administration has also disappointingly kept its promise to forego investigations of the myriad crimes (war and otherwise) and costly mismanagement of the former regime.

Obama's not up for reelection this year, but as the most prominent Democrat, he needs to think about how he's alienating supporters, and how, considering both that and the fact that he's widely reviled on the right, he will keep his job in 2012. It certainly won't be by trying to be all things to all people, and disappointing everyone. He needs to take advantage of the slender majority his party now holds and affect some substantive change before he goes before voters once again.

I left the Democratic Party in 2008 (pre-election), but still voted a primarily Democratic ticket. That party should no longer assume it can "count on me" for my vote. No one should assume disillusioned voters like myself will even show up.

PS: Consternatives may be inclined to say “I told you so” here regarding Obama, but should remember that in their eyes Obama could never do anything right. The push toward DADT repeal and a few other initiatives tells me he can – if guided by the right motivation. They despise Obama as a Marxist/socialist/Islamist/foreign-born liberal. My overall issue with him is that he has not been liberal enough.

PPS: If Obama does not "repent" and change course, I believe there is still hope for this country, with a man called Russ Feingold.

Republicants to Republish Constitution With Tear-Out Pages

2010-08-04T20:35:00.000-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Prominent Congressional Republicants, including a wishy-washy John McCain, are talking about repealing the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution – that which ensures citizenship for anyone born within our borders. Naturally, this is intended to stem illegal immigration, an issue that their xenophobic, alien-loathing selves salivate over, especially with an election looming.

I’d support such a repeal ... provided they attach a rider that simultaneously repeals the Second Amendment. I mean, if you're so misguided as to tinker with the single most import document in the country rights-wise, why not? We won’t need guns without so many dangerous ferriners – clearly the cause of most violent crimes here – running around talking their gibberish talk.

Don't fuck with the Constitution, fellas.

Can You Spot the Offensive, Stereotypical Images on This Box of Cap'n Crunch?

2010-07-29T19:05:00.003-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

While gulping down a big bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal (a lifelong favorite, and the “2-for-1” offer was too good to pass up) recently, I found a surprisingly inappropriate Olympics-inspired set of games for sugar-craving kids on the box. See if you don’t agree some of the imagery is questionable in 2010.

Look for a wide, exaggerated smile paired with slanted, narrow eyes and you’ll find someone who is allegedly from Japan. (I’m not fooled; I’d recognize the dog-eating grin of a Chinaman anywhere.)

And speaking of teeth, check out the Canadian in need of dental work and astigmatism correction surgery. (This is what socialized medicine gets you?!) Any Canuck would be proud to be depicted as a fur hat-wearing, gap-toothed, crazy-eyed hayseed on a Yankee cereal box, eh?

I’m surprised they didn’t put wavy “stink lines” around that Frenchman (and an “On Strike” sign in his hand). Sacré bleu!

And thank God they decided to stay away from representing any African countries. Can you imagine? Holy crap!

Perhaps I should stick to cereals more in line with modern sensibilities. Bowl of Cap’n Trade, anyone?

Tropical Storm Bonnie Is Obama’s Tropical Storm Bonnie

2010-07-23T16:00:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete/BogsBlog

When the history books are written, Tropical Storm Bonnie will be remembered as President Obama’s Tropical Storm Bonnie. Actually, if it’s remembered for anything, it’ll probably be for having stirred up and spread BP’s oil slick even wider than before.

But it'll still be Obama’s fault. Somehow.

Bogs Exposed, Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the TSA

2010-07-19T20:30:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

I recently had my first experience with full-body scanners, the new airport security machines that enable TSA personnel to view any dangerous items you might be trying to sneak aboard an aircraft beneath your clothes – as well as mastectomy scars, false limbs, breast implants, nipple/clit/penis piercings, the size of your junk, etc.

The full-body scanner process is simple and painless, but takes slightly longer than a metal detector, because you have to stand inside the scanner, and the results are not instant (unlike the metal detector’s beep). After being scanned, you have to wait a moment before putting your shoes back on and collecting your personal effects off the floor because they were inevitably scattered by a high-velocity collision with other trays at end of the conveyor belt.

There’s a pat-down option for those who object to going through the scanners – arguably a more intrusive security method, performed by a person of the same gender as the traveler (clearly a policy lobbied for by the radical homosexual agenda) – but I didn’t notice anyone get out of the scanner line.

I don’t have an issue with the scanners; in fact, I think it might be a hoot to be scanned while sporting a serious erection (which poses little security risk to any aircraft, apart from a dirigible). Besides, these scanners allow for greater equality – by making everyone look bald. Welcome to my world, bitches!

Above: A couple of freaky bald-headed terrorists

Consternative Contradictions Part 2: Selective Anger at Judicial Activism (aka The Constitution Doesn’t Say a Fucking Thing About Obscenity)

2010-07-13T19:15:00.002-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

A federal appeals court has struck down an FCC rule that imposes large fines on media outlets that broadcast profanity. Calling the rule “vague,” the court said such material “should be completely protected under the First Amendment.” Shit yeah!

This is an issue that puts staunch Constitutional consternatives at odds with themselves. They often claim “activist judges” keep law-abiding Americans from having firearms (to which, they believe, the Second Amendment gives them unfettered access) and otherwise “legislate from the bench.”

Yet, they overwhelmingly support court-based prohibitions on speech they find offensive. This, even though the First Amendment does not specifically prohibit “obscenity” and is written so broadly as to allow myriad things people may find objectionable:

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

How could a court that laid out standards for what constitutes unprotected speech ("obscenity") – which ultimately led to the FCC rule which has now been quashed – be considered anything but activist? Or for that matter, a court which ruled corporations have the same rights as individuals under the First Amendment? Consternatives, where’s your outrage?

Consternatives certainly are not alone in their opposition to broadcast profanity; many people, including most parents, probably support such restrictions. Nor are they alone in believing broad gun rights are supported by the Constitution. But this “activist court” nonsense is all them.

Activist judges are a consternative construct – a label, like “liberal,” that these hypocrites can pull out when convenient and use to their political advantage among the weak-minded. Fucking assholes!

BP Plays Games With Our Environment, Vets Take Down the Piñata

2010-07-06T19:35:00.001-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Slippery Fun for All Ages
Proof BP knew the risks of offshore drilling has surfaced in the form of a '70s board game called Offshore Oil Strike. The BP-branded game claims to offer the “thrills of drilling,” including such delights as oil spills. (When I hear “thrills of drilling,” I’d rather think of a petroleum-based product from KY than one from BP.) No word yet on whether the game constitutes “admissible evidence” in any current and future lawsuits against BP.

AZ Vets Declare Independence From Corn Chips
An American Legion Post in Arizona has banned observation of Cinco de Mayo. Apparently these vets were insulted that Americans can enjoy 2-for-1 margaritas and free refills on tortilla chips at the local Mexican joint once a year. More likely, they are jumping on the "hate for all things South of the Border" bandwagon that's been rolling since Senate Bill 1070 was passed in the state in April.

Catholic Church, Already Morally Bankrupt, Files for Chapter 11

2010-06-30T09:05:00.003-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Longtime haven for and protector of pedophile priests, the Catholic Church continues to look out for its own ass by filing for bankruptcy; this in order to shield its vast wealth from the myriad lawsuits from its sex abuse victims.

There’s nothing that says “I’m sorry” like “See you in court.”

The church is within its legal rights to do this; however, such a worldly action tells us how this allegedly spiritual organization sees itself: as a business. I hope this sinks their credit rating.

The Vatican recently blew a gasket over aggressive investigations into abusive priests by Belgian authorities. In response to these law enforcement actions, a church-run abuse commission took its toys and went home. Did we need them anyway? Self-run investigations are always suspect.

Earlier this week, the church also blasted a member of its own flock, Austrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn, for criticizing higher-ups who protected abusive priests. Abuse schmabuse! There’s a chain of command here, cardinal!

Do all these things indicate a repentant Catholic Church, or one which seeks to protect the status quo?

Unrelated moment of levity: "If you lived here you'd be suffering from a mold-related illness by now." (I am certain that's what the sign at that apartment complex said.)

What's the Buzz? The FIFA 2010 World Cup!

2010-06-14T12:35:00.007-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

If you’ve caught any of the 2010 World Cup – being held in South Africa – you’ve been hearing an unusual buzzing noise underneath the play-by-play. The sound is tens of thousands of vuvuzelas being played simultaneously by fans. This “traditional instrument” is suspiciously similar to the Chinese-made, cheap plastic noisemaker horns sold at pro sports games in the U.S. to keep kids amused and adults annoyed.

Some football/soccer teams are complaining about the incessant, deafening noise, TV commentators are trying to work around it and the league is under pressure both to ban vuvuzelas and to respect them as a local cultural tradition. My preference would be to ban noisemakers from all pro sports except tennis and golf. (OK, I am joking, but wouldn’t it be hilarious to blare those things at Augusta National?!)

I understand fans want to show their enthusiasm – remember, football/soccer is the game that some people will literally kill or die to see – and players want to play. I hope South Africa understands it may be passed over for future tournaments if its customs distract players and cause them to believe the stadium is being invaded by a swarm of Africanized killer bees.

Vuvuzela: Beer funnel, dart gun, obnoxious toy or symbol of cultural expression? You decide.

The BP Oil Leak Is Obama’s Hitler Problem

2010-06-08T20:15:00.000-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The ongoing BP oil leak has alternately been described as “Obama’s Katrina” or “Obama’s Iranian Hostage Crisis” by various media outlets and pundits; both metaphors are grossly inaccurate and uninformed (and could each generate more words than I care to share here).

Now we’ve actually begun hearing calls from consternatives for the president to “do something” about the developing disaster in the Gulf of Mexico. Which is amazing, when you think about it: Many consternatives have compared Obama to Hitler simply for pursuing health care reform, yet some now seem to be suggesting the federal government seize control of a private enterprise for the good of the country?

Looking to cement your Nazi comparisons, are you, consternatives? Or would you (suddenly and inexplicably) approve of a government takeover of a major corporation? Make up your fucking minds, people. Better yet, shut your mouths. More pollutants are coming out of them than from that gaping hole at the bottom of the gulf.

DADT Repeal Part 1: Mission Accomplished (So Far)

2010-06-01T20:50:00.001-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The House of Representatives voted last week to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT), which prohibits gays from serving openly in the U.S. military. The vote came after a years-long fight, and a day filled with revealing comments by many elected officials. Let’s examine some of those remarks:

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ): “I’m going to do everything I can to support the men and women of the military and to fight what is clearly a political agenda.”

First off, McCain is a senator, so it's not his turn to embarrass himself yet. But more important, does he seriously think a struggle for rights can simply be dismissed as “political?” It’s no more political than women fighting for voting rights or blacks fighting for equal access to schools, businesses, opportunities, etc. I would assert that McCain’s statement itself was politically motivated – the intent being to preserve the status quo and assure his base that he has normal views about this “abnormal” phenomenon.

Also from McCain: “I think it’s really going to be very harmful to the morale and effectiveness of our military.”

We’ve heard phrases like “military readiness/effectiveness,” “troop morale” and “unit cohesion” repeatedly from repeal opponents, but to my knowledge, not one cogent, detailed explanation of how the presence of openly gay troops will influence any of those things. We have been treated to plenty of theoretical alarmist scenarios, however.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX): “If someone has to be overt about their sexuality, whether it’s in a bunker where they’re confined under fire, then it’s a problem.”

Look, no one’s asking to decorate bunkers with rainbow flags, but simply to be able to serve as any other American would. It seems as if Gohmert is suggesting that gay soldiers under fire will pressure straight comrades for a “quickie” in the thick of battle, perhaps using their “gay agenda” to turn some of the latter when death may be imminent?

Gohmert might as well recommend keeping an eye on your wallet when in the trenches next to a black guy, too. (Ok, ok, I know troops probably don't carry wallets into combat, but you know what I mean.)

Gohmert again: “Voting on a repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell before the Pentagon’s review is completed says to the military that ‘We don’t care what you think. We’re shoving this down your throat.’”

(Possibly a poor choice of words for a homophobe. Is he a Teabagger by any chance?)

Rep: Todd Akin (R-MI): “So are we then going to then protect and condone homosexuality in the military?”

Homosexuality doesn’t need anyone’s approval to exist; it simply does, and always has. Some people apparently haven't gotten the memo.

Rep. Howard “Buck” McKeon (R-CA): “(Repealing DADT) is the equivalent to turning to our men and women in uniform and their families and saying, ‘Your opinion, your view (sic), do not count.’”

Rep. Trent Franks (R-AZ): “We’re going to say, ‘No. We don’t care what you say. You (presumably straight troops) can die for us on the battlefield, but you have no input into this process.’”

Have we even heard from active-duty military on this? And I don’t mean the chiefs of staff, but the rank and file servicemembers? Well, there is this one opinion from an Iraq War vet:

Rep. Patrick Murphy (D-PA): “(In Iraq) my teams did not care whether a fellow soldier was straight or gay if they could fire their assault rifle or run a convoy down ambush alley and do their job so everyone would come home safely.”

I have heard unverified statements that the younger the troops are, the more accepting they are of homosexuality overall. But has a poll been taken of all current military personnel? Unless that's the case, it's hard to believe most of the statements above don't simply represent the views and values of the old farts who are making a stink about this in Congress, and not the troops or even their constituents.

The battle for DADT repeal is far from over. This month the bill goes before the Senate, where Republicants are expected to filibuster (and a few Democrats may not support repeal). We should let those lawmakers know – by phone, by email, in person and at the polls – what we think of their “leadership.”

If a Cop Shoots a Child and There’s No One There to Film It, Did It Really Happen?

2010-05-25T10:19:00.007-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Last week 7-year-old Aiyana Jones was shot dead by police while she slept in her Detroit home. A reality TV show crew was filming and allegedly got the shooting on camera.

The resulting outrage has unsurprisingly left the city more tense than usual, leading Detroit Mayor Dave Bing to ban television crews from police raids. Translation: The problem is not police shooting willy-nilly into homes, but the presence of TV cameras when they do so.

The ubiquity of cameras in society today has compromised privacy for all of us, likely for all time. But it has also forced accountability in situations where none previously existed. Mayor Bing, don’t take that away.

From My Cold, Dead, Shaky, Pickled Hands

2010-05-19T17:25:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Tennessee Governor Phil Bredesen has vetoed a bill that would’ve allowed gun owners in his state to bring their favorite toys into businesses where alcohol is served, delivering a rare legislative defeat to the NRA and other gun proponents that have seemingly been writing U.S. gun laws for years.

That such a bill was ever created demonstrates both the sheer power and absurdity of the gun lobby. But after at first being incensed by it, I realized there may actually be a benefit to a bill like this; if Second Amendment fetishists go too far with their legislative agenda, they may eventually end up shooting themselves in the foot with regard to popular support.

Keep it up, guys.

2012 Republican National Convention: Not in My Backyard!!!

2010-05-12T11:00:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

It’s official: The 2012 Republican National Convention will be held in Downtown Tampa – a stone’s throw from my home (Note to self: Gather up stones and practice pitching arm). Economy schmeconomy ... I don’t want those hateful, greedy, misguided, self-righteous, torture-loving Republicants stinking up the place with their dirty money.

Besides, immigrant-hating Phoenix, Arizona would’ve been a much more appropriate choice for those xenophobes.

I think I'll have to break out the "unwelcome" mat. Stay tuned.

PS: OK, as someone who lives in an apartment I technically don't have a backyard. But you know what I meant, smartass.

Florida Doesn’t Care About Young People

2010-05-07T12:12:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Florida's Republicant-dominated legislature has passed a law requiring women to pay for ultrasounds before having an abortion, in a misguided attempt to deter them having the procedures.

If our highly principled elected officials are genuinely concerned about young lives, they should also require high school-age military recruits to look at films of death, dismemberment and destruction before enlisting.

Spill, Baby, Spill

2010-05-03T11:30:00.005-04:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The sinking of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig couldn’t have come at a better time, since President Obama recently (and inexplicably) announced plans to expand offshore oil drilling. Nothing like a high-profile environmental catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico to remind us just how bad an idea that was and turn the tide of public opinion firmly against it.

Whether or not we have to rely on the Middle East for it, oil as an energy source is literally a dirty dinosaur. Can we finally get serious about developing alternative fuel sources?

Consternative Contradictions Part I: What Would Jesus Do? (WWJD?)

2010-04-22T23:00:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

You are outraged by the idea that “under God” could be removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. That prayer could be banned at a public school or questioned at a city council meeting. That the Ten Commandments were removed from a Tennessee state government building.

Why wouldn't you be, when America is a “Christian nation?”

Curiously, when a new law here mirrors Christian values (outside ritual and relic, i.e., prayer and statues), some of you “Christians” are among the most ardently opposed, or simply remain silent. Could it be that when money (taxes) enters the picture those beliefs are conveniently cast aside? Many of you are certainly afraid to put your money where your mouth is.

Jesus healed the sick, and without need for remuneration; he didn’t speak of government-provided universal health care as a threat to personal freedom. (He also fed the hungry masses with loaves and fish; he didn’t rail on lazy welfare moms. These are but a few things that show J.C. to have been a liberal socialist.)

If you thought about what Jesus would really do, you couldn’t oppose health care reform. Stop putting WWJD? bumper stickers on your cars and start examining how your political beliefs conflict with your faith (and vice-versa). Then open your eyes for the first time and make a positive change.

This is the first in an intermittent series of posts in which, using the second person, I will lay out specific areas where U.S. consternatives consistently prove themselves to be hypocritical, irrational, hateful and/or just plain wrong. It was the realization of these very things that has over the years transformed me into an ardent liberal and Reasonist; these are also the motivation behind most of what I do here. For the sake of explanation – and perhaps I am remiss in not posting this sooner – “consternative” is a generalization I coined to describe fiscal conservatives, social conservatives, Republican(t)s and their ilk. Not all members of each of these interrelated groups are guilty of all the things I will discuss – but they are all still big dummies. Like major dummies.

Obama Law Nominee Dropped For Being Too Ethical

2010-04-17T12:15:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Dawn Johnson will never head the Department of Justice’s Office of Legal Counsel. President Obama’s nominee buckled after months of heat from Republicants, who objected to her criticizing the OLC for issuing memos permitting torture of terror suspects under the Bush administration.

Prominent religious cult member Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) called John Yoo and Jay Bybee, the authors of those contentious memos, "very excellent people." Gnarly, dude!

Johnson is presumably not an excellent person because she puts ethics and the rule of law ahead of fear-based, reactionary politics. The “family values” Republicant Party couldn’t risk having such a wussy in that critical office.

Obama disappointed many by giving Bush's criminals a free pass, saying he preferred to “look forward” (without explaining how this would prevent criminality within his own and future administrations). It’s time for him to exercise some political capital (backbone, testicles, what have you) and pursue charges against those officials unless he’s allowed to bring principled people into his own administration.

Basketball Team Beats Opponents, Police Beat Celebrating Fan

2010-04-13T22:35:00.005-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

John McKenna is the latest unarmed, defenseless victim of police violence. A video shows the Maryland man doing a victory dance after a basketball game, then police swooping in and delivering multiple baton blows to him even after he is subdued.

Did their team lose? Or were the police thinking that a preemptive beating was needed to prevent revelry from becoming a riot? The sight of an innocent man being beaten by police could've easily started one. As could their flagrantly false assertion that horses caused the man's injuries.

This incident recalls one which occurred during post-World Series celebrations in Boston in 2004, where police killed a young woman by firing a “nonlethal” pepper spray bullet into her brain via her eye socket. The cops are bad sports, eh?

Officials were going to charge McKenna with felony assault, but quickly backpedaled once the video proved him to be the assault victim. (Why do they always charge people with things of which they are guilty? Is it like those people who go around accusing everyone else of being gay when they are actually closeted homosexuals trying to take attention away from themselves?)

Dropped charges is a good start, but now the cops involved in the beating should be dropped from their jobs and into a jail cell.

Got Any Fries to Go With That, Sheik?

2010-04-07T09:20:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

U.S. military bases in Afghanistan will soon no longer be "Home of the Whopper," as military officials have decided to pull the plug on most private food vendors, which have been deemed a waste of resources. That means troops will no longer be able to spend their hard-earned combat pay on fast food burgers, fried cheese sticks, soft-serve ice cream, pizza and more.

While some have questioned the very notion of fast food franchises being available to troops in battle zones (profiteering, misplaced priorities, etc.), I feel that people who are risking life and limb overseas should be able to partake of the “comforts of home” whenever possible. And this is coming from a vegetarian who avoids most fast food (ok, except for pizza).

If having access to junk food that’s available on every street corner back home means taking away water, power and other vital resources from military operations, however, then the “sesame seed buns” probably do have to go.

This story raises a larger question about the wisdom of the privatization of war, i.e., private companies supplying goods and services right in a war zone. Maybe some of the other private interests – that are not only using up resources (including lots of taxpayers’ money) but, by operating outside any oversight, undercutting whatever legitimacy we have in the region – need to go as well. The burger joints are merely attacking our troops’ digestive systems, not massacring civilians.

Catholic Response on Child Sex Abuse: It’s the Media and the Gays

2010-04-01T22:25:00.001-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Facing increasing scrutiny over Pope Benedict XVI’s (aka Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger’s) complicity in several cases of sexual abuse by priests, top Catholic Church officials have come out swinging their scepters in defense of His Holiness.

Venice Cardinal Angelo Scola spoke of the pope as a victim of "deceitful accusations," even though the church’s own documents prove the latter’s involvement. Warsaw Archbishop Kazimierz Nycz blasted the media for "targeting the whole church, targeting the pope," when it’s clear sexual abuse by priests was an institution-wide epidemic known at the highest levels of the church – which includes the former Cardinal Ratzinger.

Meanwhile, the church’s #1 layperson – who apparently possesses no common sense or shame, nor any understanding of what statutory rape is – has explained that, given some of the victims were already sporting pubes, the abuse wasn’t really a pedophile priest issue but a homosexual issue. Catholic League President Bill Donohue stopped just short of saying that the kids were asking for it, especially the girls in those provocative little Catholic school uniforms.

A quick Google search reveals a shocking lack of reportage on Donohue’s disgusting words by anything but liberal blogs. Thank God for us, eh? Donohue, those he defends and their apologists are despicable, desperate people. May the light of truth continue to shine on their ways, which represent real evil in this world.

Hide Your Women and Children: The Cops Are Coming

2010-03-30T20:00:00.000-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

A federal appeals court has dealt another blow to a woman who was tased by Seattle police while pregnant. The court ruled against Malaika Brooks, who initiated a lawsuit after police shocked her with a Taser for refusing to sign a traffic ticket.

Presiding Judge Cynthia Holcomb Hall explained the verdict: “A suspect who repeatedly refuses to comply with instructions or leave her car escalates the risk involved for officers unable to predict what type of noncompliance might come next.”

To clarify: A judge actually said you can tase a (pregnant) woman for not doing something because there’s no way to tell what she might not do next. Un-fucking-believable.

The use of a Taser on anyone who is not dangerous or out control – but simply being a pain in the ass – is a brutal police state-type tactic that should be banned.

Shooting 42 bullets at a carjacker with an innocent family still inside the car is also inadvisable. But Jacksonville sheriffs did just that, hitting a toddler at least twice as a result.

Spokesperson Sheriff John Rutherford said of the incident: "I just don't want to try to speculate on why they felt the need to shoot at the suspect while he was in the vehicle." (Why don’t you simply ask them, sir?)

The "good guys" need to exhibit better judgment and restraint if they wish to distinguish themselves from the bad guys.

Impeach and Incarcerate Pope Benedict XVI Over Sex Abuse

2010-03-27T12:00:00.002-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests is not "news," but recent revelations of Pope Benedict XVI’s complicity in abuse cases have brought the issue back to the front page. The former Cardinal Ratzinger knew of at least two cases – in his native Germany and in Wisconsin, USA – but did little (i.e., made pedophile priests repent and shuffled them off to other parishes) to nothing about them.

Naturally, church officials are defending their pontiff. And no one should be surprised if all that comes of this is more of the same toothless response that we’ve seen since rampant, longstanding sexual abuse of children by the Catholic Church was revealed in 2002: Apologies and talk of “forgiveness.” The abusers and their enablers/accomplices (anyone who knew but chose to protect church over children, like Ratzinger) should be rotting in jail and enduring nonconsensual sex for the rest of their lives and afterlives.

Dan Brown, get working on a novel in which a secret society of assassins systematically eliminates priests who molested kids for decades but who remain free due to statutes of limitation. I can’t wait for the movie version of Catholic Catharsis. Hell, maybe I'll write it.

Choke on This Change, Bitches!

2010-03-22T10:00:00.002-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

President Obama and the Congress have passed a version of the long-in-the works health care reform bill – a development that, if the media are to be believed, is of historic significance. I cannot fully support the bill, due to the exclusion of a public option/universal coverage/single payer system and the inclusion of a requirement to purchase health insurance (a giveaway to the industry, who shouldn't be gaining from this). But at the same time, if Republicants are so ardently opposed to the bill – all “nays” during yesterday’s voting – that does make it look more attractive.

One thing is certain: If their party makes gains in the next election cycle, Republicants will point to this health care vote, ignoring the fact that the minority party historically picks up votes following an election cycle that handed control to a single party (a consequence of our flawed two-party system). Until then, they can sit and spin.

God Hates Socially Conscious Chumps (UPDATED)

2010-03-15T10:25:00.002-04:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Fox News cash cow Glenn Beck has suggested his followers leave any church that espouses “social justice” because – according to Beck – that suggests a communist or Nazi agenda.

One church has directly taken on Beck over his ignorance of Christian values, displaying the message “Sorry Mr Beck Jesus Preached Social Justice” on a sign on its property. Some have said Beck's listeners should leave him.

But at least one major church representative has taken a very different stance.

Catholic League President William “Bill” Donohue jumped to Beck’s defense, saying the latter merely meant parishioners should "find a more conservative parish if one is dissatisfied with hearing left-wing sermons." So much for helping the less fortunate as a universal Christian value.

Donohue also stated: “In the Catholic Church, there are priests who are stridently left-wing and stridently right-wing.” Aren't churches supposed to be politically neutral to retain their tax exemption? I hope the IRS is reading this post, though it’s more likely the NSA is.

This is the same Donohue, incidentally, who recently vilified Obama for allowing atheist and secular humanist groups to meet at the White House. To his credit, Obama has made “inclusiveness” part of his policy. During his presidential victory speech, Obama acknowledged people of different sexual orientations; in his inauguration speech he acknowledged people without religious beliefs. Very few politicians would show the same courage after taking high office.

Returning to the issue at hand: Beck is a misguided opportunist with a dangerous amount of influence. Donohue is clearly all about the religion and not about the spiritual beliefs underlying it. As a former Catholic I can tell you that makes him a paragon of Catholicism.

You Say Inappropriate, I Say Intolerant, Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off

2010-03-11T15:55:00.001-05:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Itawamba County Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi is cancelling this year’s prom instead of allowing a lesbian teen couple to attend. Prior to the cancellation, student Constance McMillen had been denied permission to accompany her tuxedoed girlfriend to the popular annual event, and was also informed the two would be sent home if other attendees felt “uncomfortable" about them being there.

After facing increasing pressure and scrutiny regarding the couple’s request, the local school board decided to call the dance off altogether. Explained district officials: "[W]e feel (cancelling the prom) is in the best interest of the Itawamba County School District, after taking into consideration the education, safety and well being of our students." Apparently, the presence of two gay students at a dance could result in learning difficulties and bodily harm for their peers(?)

Folks, this is really about the threat which two kids pose to the status quo. Many people are afraid to see gay relationships given equal stature with straight ones, lest they one day be considered “legitimate” or “normal.” Then how will we ever get any of those people to reconsider their unconventional “choice” of lifestyle?

The adults behind this needless decision to spoil the fun for everyone have set an example of intolerance and xenophobia for their young students: Let fear of The Other guide you. That’s not a lesson I believe we should be teaching in school.

Welcome to Mayberry, FLA

2010-03-09T10:00:00.003-05:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

As Florida lawmakers work on a $75 million package designed to entice film and TV productions to the state (the “Entertainment Industry Economic Development Act”), they have inserted a provision to ensure films that “exhibit or imply ... 'nontraditional family values'” do not benefit from the new initiative.

Said Rep. Stephen Precourt (R-Orlando): “(Shows with gay characters) would not be the kind of thing … we want to invest public dollars in (sic).” Precourt added that the films he’d like to see made in Florida would be reminiscent of “Mayberry.”

This begs questions about exactly which aspects of Mayberry appeal to him:

Maybe that men were men, women were cloistered, and blacks were anywhere but in your neighborhood?

The Andy Griffith Show was a wonderful TV programme, but it was always a fantasy. It’s time for Precourt and his pals in Tallahassee to come back to reality – and lose the self-righteous attitude while they're at it.

PS: Liberal, gay, godless filmmakers: Y’all come back to Florida now, ya hear?

America Prepares to Go Postal

2010-03-04T12:35:00.000-05:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

If the U.S. Postal Service has its way, Americans will soon no longer receive mail on Saturday. Facing a massive financial shortfall, the USPS wants to eliminate Saturday service and make other cutbacks. Aren’t these some of the same people who enjoy paid federal holidays about every other week on the taxpayers’ dime? Why not reclaim some of that budget by working for a change?

And speaking of gun-toting lunatics, Second Amendment supporters may soon have even more reason to celebrate by haphazardly firing shots into the air. After giving the gun lobby some considerable victories, the Supreme Court is now expected to shoot down state and local gun laws at the conclusion of its current case, McDonald v. Chicago. I wonder if “states rights” consternatives will condemn such a ruling, but I expect they will cheer the federal court trumping the states on this one. Hypocritical bastards.

To Summit Up: GOP Offers Nothing New at Health Care Summit

2010-03-01T11:45:00.003-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Last week’s bipartisan health care summit yielded little, though this probably surprises no one. Republicants clearly did not want to be there, but showed up so as not to let Obama paint them as unconcerned about an issue which does concern most Americans.

During opening statements, GOP Sen. Lamar Alexander said, "(Republicants) believe we have a better idea (than Democrats are offering)," but what emerged from the right side of the table were some of the same tired approaches they’ve used in the past. Among the aspects of their plan were medical malpractice reform (aka tort reform) and expanding health savings accounts.

The first of these helps doctors; the second helps businesses. So where is the benefit for the average person? These are recycled consternative ideas that do not benefit people directly. "Pass the savings on to consumers," i.e., trickle down dressed up for health care. No thanks!

There’s No Crying in Winter Olympics!* (UPDATED)

2010-02-25T09:35:00.006-05:00

By “Pintface” Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

The 2010 Winter Olympics are becoming the 2010 Whiner Olympics. We can all sympathize when a bittersweet victory close to the loss of a loved one elicits tears from any athlete. When an Olympian whose routine is a little off, or who gets a lesser medal than expected or no medal at all starts blubbering, however, that’s a different matter entirely.

When you’ve worked for years at your sport and then fail to perform to your highest standards it can be devastating. But ladies, and to be frank, that’s precisely who I’m addressing here, if you are a professional athlete – one of sufficient caliber to compete in the Olympics – you’ve got to be made of tougher stuff. You’re only reinforcing stereotypes by crying like grade-school girls.

It’s time to wo-man up.

UPDATE: Now this is the kind of Olympic behavior I like to see! The gold-garnering Canadian women’s hockey team drinking (some players just one year underage) and – well smoking cigars is nasty – but the point is they are celebrating in a manner they deserve. (Though it wish it were the U.S. team celebrating.) More power to ‘em! The IOC? Screw ‘em!

*With acknowledgment to Tom Hanks.

Pope Declares Full-Body Scanners Sinful; World Takes It as a Sign They Are “Fun”

2010-02-23T12:40:00.002-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Pope Benedict XVI has joined other religious leaders in condemning the use of full-body scanners for airline security. Ooh, more forbidden fruit ... goody! As a prolapsed Catholic, I might even consider giving up full-body scanners on Fridays during Lent, but after that all bets are off.

Said the principal papist on balancing security needs with human dignity: “the primary asset to be safeguarded and treasured is the person, in his or her integrity.” Apparently this pope is quite a people person, and one who thinks scanners will compromise our character.

Speaking of sodomy, three cops have been acquitted in a case where one of them is alleged to have inserted a baton into a handcuffed suspect’s ass, with the other two covering it up (the incident, not the ass). The verdict came after another cop risked his own ass to act as a witness against them. It seems justice may have taken it up the ass here.

A 2012 Palin Presidential Run Would Be Palinly Ridiculous

2010-02-18T12:40:00.001-05:00

By "Pintface" Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

According to the Mayan calendar, 2012 may mark the beginning of the end of the world. Perhaps they were prognosticating the disaster that would be a Sarah Palin 2012 presidential run? I am going on record early here as saying, even after putting all her retarded personal views aside, shouldn’t Americans be asking themselves: Would anyone in their right mind vote for born-again Teabagger Palin in a non-ironic or non-contrarian way for any reason other than her celebrity?

Palin is unquestionably very popular in some circles, and that apparently qualifies her for important office. She might secure a (third party?) nomination, but it would based not on her qualifications but on superficial merits; it’d be like her beauty pageant days all over again. Or like a high school student council election.

Palin is popular in a day when fame is cheap and easy, and the bar for celebrity is set very low. As we’ve see with the reality TV phenomenon, Americans are fascinated when nobodies (or spoiled brat ne’er-do-wells with surnames like Hilton and Kardashian) say/do outrageous things. Everybody can be somebody, if they know how to generate publicity. Is this a wise criteria for picking the leader of the free world? The U.S.A. will be an even bigger joke than we were under George W. Bush, and I’m tired of being laughed at (sic).

It’s not like Palin has demonstrated dedication to public service. Witness how quickly she fled the Alaska governor’s office when someone waved self-promoting book and speaking engagement dollars in her face. She’s a quitter, a nutter, and an all-around poor excuse for a public servant. I hope Palin and her supporters are simply pulling our leg and will spare all involved the embarrassment of seeing her run for public office ever again.

Muslim Scholars Condemn Full-Body Scanners to Death; World Unmoved

2010-02-12T08:52:00.010-05:00

By Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Muslim-American scholars have issued a fatwa (religious edict) against the use of full-body scanners as a security measure at airports, as the revealing images the machines create violate Islamic tenets of modesty. Who didn’t see this coming?

Let’s be honest: The militant variety of Muslim are the very people these scanners are designed to detect. Would the technology even exist if there had been no 9/11s, Lockerbie Bombings or Christmas Day Underwear Bombers – all incidents which have Islamic ties?

I’m not modest and don’t have an issue with going through the scanners (I have a mild concern they might be detrimental to our health), but I understand some people do. And there is evidence the machines can store and/or print the semi-naked images they generate, despite FAA and technology manufacturers’ assurances to the contrary.

There’s no chance of a screener having, say, a cell phone that can snap photos of the scanner screen, is there? It’s actually very likely, unless phones are prohibited in the screening area. Is that part of the plan?

Whatever the case, I believe the scanners may be a sad but necessary reality of our times. And I’m suspicious of groups that want to avoid them – especially when they are, umm, such "high risk" ones. Pat-downs, which many Muslims prefer to body scans, would not have stopped the Christmas Day Underwear Bomber, who had explosive materials in his crotch. Can grope-downs be far off? When that day comes, we will know whom to thank.

Iran’s Ahmadinejad Declares Avatar “the Shit,” Predicts Big Wins on Oscar Night, Hangs Dissidents Who Claim Precious Is the Superior Film

2010-02-09T10:01:00.018-05:00

By Pete Bogs/Bogsblog

James Cameron’s blockbuster film Avatar apparently has a raving fan in Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Persian prez has expressed particular admiration for the battle machine suit (Amplified Mobility Platform [AMP]), which he called “mind-fucking-blowing,” adding that the technology was “his idea first.”

"You know (Avatar is) totally going to kick District 9's ass at the Oscars," he was also purported to have said. "And The Blind Side? Made-for-TV melodrama with a bleach-blonde Sandra Bullock? Don't make me laugh! Seriously, don't make me laugh, or you will be jailed."

Ahmadinejad has reportedly agreed to halt Iran’s nuclear enrichment program, provided he be allowed to accompany Cameron to the Oscars in March. As of this writing, there has been no response from either the United Nations or Cameron.

Iranian cabinet ministers were surprised by their president’s praise of Avatar, as during a recent Tehran screening Ahmadinejad allegedly paid little attention to the film, instead annoying other patrons by talking loudly on his cell phone.

Above: Ahmadinejad queues up for yet another screening of Avatar in 3-D.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Don’t Work

2010-02-03T15:15:00.015-05:00

By Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” (DADT), the Pentagon’s policy of allowing gays to serve in the U.S. military provided they stay in the closet, is facing repeal after 17 years. I must credit President Obama for following through on a campaign promise (while I remain a vocal critic of his faltering health care reform efforts and his insistence on letting George W. Bush’s criminal cronies walk free).

I have to admit, I supported President Bill Clinton on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell back in 1993; I viewed it as the “lesser of two evils” (allowing closeted gays to serve versus putting an outright ban on their service) and about the best we could hope for at the time. Lingering opposition tells me it probably was.

From the rigid resistance to open service exhibited by some, one might easily get the impression the U.S. military is an inherently homophobic institution. I’d prefer to believe those who express concern in vague statements about “unit cohesion” (hehehe, you said “unit”) don’t speak for our military as a whole. And it’s looking like that’s the case.

We’ve heard alarmist anecdotes about servicepersons being “sized up” in the shower by gay comrades. To me, this simply makes the case for privacy while bathing. One room with a dozen or so nozzles (oh, grow up!) on the tiled walls isn’t preferable to most as might be, say, individual shower stalls. Naked (wo)men showering together, lathering up in front of each other – as might occur every day in military barracks across America – that, ironically, seems a bit gay.

By keeping DADT in place, we not only deny respect to many decent, patriotic people, we limit our defense resources. In time of war with two Middle Eastern countries, we’ve actually booted personnel, including translators who help us understand what the hell terrorists are saying, for being openly gay. Is this a sound defense policy?

To those who continue to support DADT, I put this question: Do you hate/fear gays more than you love your country?

Osama bin Laden Pollutes Airwaves With Criticism of Air Pollution

2010-01-29T15:19:00.009-05:00

By Pete Bogs/BogsBlog

Osama bin Laden has found a new reason to hate America: global warming. In his most recent rambling audio tape, the top terrorist and favorite son of Saudi Arabia takes us to task for climate change.

Coming from him – indeed, anything spewing from that gaping maw of ignorance and hate is suspect – ecological complaints just don’t hold polluted water. America does need to get serious about curbing our carbon emissions, but China’s efforts at destroying the earth make us look like Henry David Thoreau by contrast. Osama neglected to mention them.

To punish America for its shameful stewardship, bin Laden is calling for international divestment from the U.S. dollar. It’s like 1980s South Africa all over again. Who would’ve figured Osama for such an ardent activist? At least al-Qaida is easier to spell than apartheid.

If serious, bin Laden has miscalculated: By aligning himself with an environmental cause, he’s just handed nature-hating, big business-beholden forces in the U.S. a powerful weapon in their anti-environment efforts. “If Osama thinks it’s a good idea, it must be bad one.” And, by extension, “Environmentalists are terrorists.” To the unsophisticated mind, those are convincing arguments. I’ll be surprised if the Rush Limbaughs and Glenn Becks of the world aren’t already all over this.

Some have suggested bin Laden is simply jumping on the bandwagon of a popular topic. If so, why not just tweet on his favorite Jersey Shore episode or bitch about the disappointing Google Nexus One like everyone else?

Perhaps he should just stick with what he knows best – shitting in Pakistani caves and picking sand fleas out of his beard.

The Supreme Court Is as Morally Bankrupt as Air America Is Financially Bankrupt: A BogsBlog Special Edition From Pete Bogs

2010-01-22T09:56:00.003-05:00

Freedom of speech was never intended to be reserved for those with loads of money and influence. (At least that’s what the idealistic, hypocritical, slave-owning forefathers probably thought.) It is supposed to be “free” – as in unfettered, and also as in not linked to money. Yet deep-pocketed lobbyists continue to speak more loudly and freely than the rest of us, and as a result we get health care reform bills written by and for insurance companies instead of the people.

With the Supreme Court’s decision yesterday to scale back the bipartisan McCain-Feingold law, union- and corporate-sponsored political ads, not known for disseminating the truth, will likely influence even more of the ignorant, unwashed, uncritical masses than they already do, and we’ll continue to hear that President Obama is a closet Islamo-fascist who was born on Mars and has webbed toes. For the record, I don’t consider intentionally misleading the public for financial gain a “right” by any stretch of the imagination. But the big-business loving consternatives on the Supreme Court apparently do.

The end of the Fairness Doctrine was hailed as a victory for the First Amendment, but it’s only been a victory for the few. Air America has gone bankrupt, and while I’m sure many are jumping for joy, it vividly illustrates the problem that the doctrine was intended to address. Left-leaning speech has been excluded (some could say censored) from AM radio in favor of wall-to-wall consternative commentators, forcing lefties to build their own network from the ground up. That's not a cheap or easy thing to do. As a result, voices that aren't backed by the big bucks are silenced. That's not freedom or democracy in any form; that's scary.

BogsBlog is made possible by a cost-free website that allows me to say just about anything I want. It's disheartening that the USA overall is going in the opposite direction.

I Know How to Guarantee Passage of a Worthwhile Health Care Reform Bill: A BogsBlog Special Edition

2009-12-19T17:28:00.014-05:00

Pete Bogs here, with a new post about the ongoing health care reform debate in the United States.

In case you don’t remember, this all began with the suggestion of making health care available and affordable for all Americans. Unassailable, on the face of it. But the response by many of our citizens could cause an unobservant observer to believe that President Obama had announced his intention to give every man, woman and child a Chevrolet Corvette ZR1 on the taxpayers’ dime. In other words, something extravagant and unnecessary, rather than, say, a matter of life and death.

Even some of Jesus’ most ardent followers, who bemoan the disappearance of prayer from public institutions, are making a racket at the suggestion of extending healthcare to all. Apparently healing the sick and helping the poor were not among JC’s lessons in their version of the Good Book. Apparently these folks are also very choosy about which Christian values should be incorporated into government policy: Prayer, yes; aiding those in need, no.

I know how to get real health care reform to pass in Congress. And by that I don’t mean this watered-down disappointment that some are still insisting gives away too much to the deadbeats, single moms and minorities. I am talking about a full-on health care overhaul that includes a socialist-public-option-universal-coverage-single-payer-system that also enables people to get cheap drugs from Canada and allows Medicare to be extended. How do we do it?

Insert it as an earmark into the next defense appropriations bill, which few Democrats or Republicants would dare fail to support, lest they be labeled as "weak on defense," anti-American or pro-terrorist.

Generally, I oppose the practice of stuffing provisions – especially non-germane ones – into bills. You know, like when an education funding bill inexplicably also contains funds for new highways. Sometimes these are “poison pills” inserted by lawmakers who wish to kill the whole bill using unpopular amendments. Often they are snuck in in the hope that no one will notice (a tactic which could be useful here). But health care is germane to national defense. As I asked non-rhetorically in an earlier BogsBlog post:

Isn’t keeping Americans alive and healthy the common goal of both our defense system and our health care system? How can you say you want to prevent an anthrax attack from terrorists upon your neighbor, yet not be concerned about preventing or treating a naturally occurring cancer or infection in that same neighbor? How can you want to stop bullets and bombs from raining down upon someone, but be completely indifferent were they to be injured in another context?

Health care is part and parcel of keeping Americans safe and in one piece. So some principled politician – I think Russ Feingold is one of the last ones left – should jam it into a defense bill. And Russ, do me a favor: Jam it in there hard, and without using lubricant.

We need to end the health care reform debate and force the dirty hands of corrupt, greedy, misguided, pitiless (yet pitiful) politicians who use fear, distortions and outright lies to keep America sick. It’s perhaps fortunate that those lawmakers enjoy free, top-of-line, government-run, socialistic health care, because they are perhaps the sickest people of all. Cough Joe Lieberman cough.

Well, that’s about it from Pete Bogs for 2009. Maybe we’ll see each other in the blogosphere next year. I wish you all happy holidays; especially you, Bill O’Reilly, and the war-on-Christmas crowd.

PS: See recent BogsBlog posts for more on sick people and health care.

BogsBlog Special Edition: What Is It With These Fvcking People?

2009-11-01T11:37:00.012-05:00

Hi there, folks. Pete Bogs here, with a special, three-pronged edition of BogsBlog. We’ll discuss two of my favorite kinds of people: Preverts (sic) and idiots. These people ensure blogging fodder for many years to come, I am certain. Anyway, if you've got a few minutes to read 1000 words or so...

Debbie Does The Courthouse; Gets Lafavourable Ruling
BogsBlog’s own favorite fugitive-from-justice-hiding-in-plain-sight (and local gal) Debra Lafave is back in the news. Lafave, a former teacher who had a “consensual” sexual relationship with one of her male teenaged students – an acquaintance of one of my nephews – has been granted the right to unsupervised visits with children after completing some counseling and probation. This is a woman who, back in the salad days, drew Pete Bogs’ ire for exemplifying the disparity in our society's treatment of male and female sex offenders. Lafave got two years of house arrest, which I liken to sitting home watching cable TV for 700+ days under judge’s order. Compare this to the man who, in the same county’s court system, just got 20 years in prison plus 10 years probation for having sex with a 12-year-old girl.

In the former case, you have a teacher – expected to be a paragon of trust in society, like doctors and clergy – a female teacher, having sex with a 14-year-old boy. In the latter, you have a man who found a 12-year-old girl on the Internet and arranged a sexual liaison. Not a huge age difference between the victims. Some have suggested the difference here is intent. The man clearly went online looking for young sex partners, while the woman merely had a lapse of judgment. But how do we know that? How do we know what was in Lafave’s mind before and during her illicit sex acts? Can we ever know what a person’s intent is, considering it’s locked in his/her brain and we only really ever know what they tell us? Lafave has admitted that the forbidden nature of the acts intrigued her, i.e., she’s a kinky bitch. The true difference here is gender, both that of the perpetrator and the victim. People fantasize aloud about personally castrating a male perpetrator, but can’t be bothered to muster outrage at a female one.

I want to make it clear that I am not defending sex offenders of any gender. Nor do I think Lafave is a genuine threat to children. I believe that in order for us to call our justice system “just,” we need to see more equality in sentencing. It’s the same argument I’d make if a black man got a stiff sentence after a crime for which a white man got a slap on the wrist. That’s not justice. That’s just wrong.

It’s sad to say, but pedophilia is one area in which women benefit from inequality. You may want equality, but how badly do you want it? One day you may not be guaranteed first dibs at a lifeboat seat or the freedom to fuck as many horny teens as you like. Think about it, ladies.

Is That A Jack-O-Lantern You’re Wearing, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
Apparently, Boulder, Colorado has an interesting Halloween tradition: Folks gather for a chilly late night run through the streets wearing pumpkins on their heads – and nothing else. Talk about shrinkage! But this year the local authorities have promised to crack down on the unfettered flop-fest. Runners have been threatened with being charged as sex offenders for participating. When did streakers become sex offenders instead of simple pranksters? It’s a victimless crime. Leave the runners alone. You fucking Nazis.

Immediate Attention Required
Earlier this year I had jury duty for a week. Twice during proceedings the court reporter’s cell phone went off, interrupting the multimillion dollar case. This was not some 19-year-old cell phone-worshipping ditz, but someone’s grandmother, who by her career choice knows court decorum better than just about anyone. Recently a commercial airliner overflew its destination by 150 miles. The pilots on Northwest Airlines Flight 188 did not respond to repeated control tower attempts to contact them, fears of a hijacking were raised and fighter jets were put on alert. Turns out the pilots were using their laptops – a prohibited activity on the flight deck – and were not paying attention to their trajectory. At least no one was hurt. In September 2008 a commuter train collided with a freight train, killing 25 people and injuring more than 130. The commuter train’s engineer was texting at the time of the collision and failed to notice the stop signal.

People, what is it going to take to get us to be responsible with our electronic toys? Set them aside. Turn them off. Pay attention to other human beings. Lives could depend upon it, and not just because you’re operating a moving vehicle, but because some people around you are about ready to put a permanent end to your rudeness and stupidity! (I can dream, can’t I?) I've been on planes a few times this year, and while the flight attendants have repeatedly reminded passengers to turn off all electronic devices, I still heard heavy metal music blaring from the headphones of the guy sitting behind me, and saw the glow of the Kindle reader from the guy across the aisle. If these can cause any problem at all with the operation of the plane, you’d damn-well better turn them off!

Portable communications technology has developed fastly (sic) and furiously, with exciting new capabilities – you can now “flick” a file from your iPhone screen to someone else’s nearby – being introduced regularly. But the social implications of this technology have barely been addressed. I am once again reminded of a line from the film Jurassic Park, in which character Ian Malcolm chides the man who brought dinosaurs to life in the 20th century using DNA: “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should.” Just because you are now able to use some technology anywhere while doing just about anything – Paris Hilton answered a cell phone while her boyfriend was screwing her, for God’s sake – that doesn’t mean you should. New technology seems to not only have made old technology obsolete, but also common sense and courtesy as well.

I say an agnostic prayer for our future. Peace.

Take Your Dirty Hands Off My Swine Flu Shot, Granny: A BogsBlog Special Edition

2009-09-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Pete Bogs here, with a BogsBlog Special Edition on the swine flu (which sounds like some kind of biological warfare agent created by the CIA to use on radical Islamists), aka “H1N1” (which sounds like a London postal code, but I digress a second time).

I haven't had any kind of inoculation since 1986, when I got a measles shot that was required for college. Long story short, I got a live batch that gave me the measles, but was not accepted into the university. The incident gave me a deep distrust of vaccines (and questionable college admission criteria) for decades thereafter. I'm not sure what was more irritating, the rash or the snub. (This is similar to a situation in which several AIDS cases linked to a Florida dentist made me avoid dental visits like, well, like the plague for about a decade. Ok, I am somewhat of a hypochondriac.)

But with a supply of swine flu shots supposedly on the way, I'm seriously thinking about going "under the needle" for the first time since Reagan and Gorby met at Reykjavik (I think it was actually the same week). I do ok with needles; it's what's in them that has concerned me ever since that unfortunate 1986 occurrence. As I am neither a health care worker, nor elderly, nor very young, nor saddled with a weak immune system, however, I will probably be put to the end of the line for a shot. Bastards! I am a paying passenger and I demand a seat in this lifeboat!

I am actually anticipating a run on the vaccine, resulting in long lines, rationing and lots of angry people. And that's without our country switching from its flawless, enviable free market health care system to an evil public option socialist model. With people dying from this illness, the clamor for inoculation may make the raucous town hall meetings that have thus far comprised the U.S. health care debate seem like tea socials. I certainly plan to crack a few skulls. Or at least pull a Peter Griffin:

So get ready for it, folks. You, too, may soon find yourself shamelessly shoving a feeble granny aside to get to your own dose. If you must jostle the elderly, though, please be sure to at least wash your hands before (and after) doing so. This article reminds us that washing our hands regularly is essential to stemming the flow of contagious diseases.

But we shouldn’t need a reminder to wash our hands. Most of our mothers told us this when we were young. Most of us remember this every time we see someone leave a toilet stall and head for the door without stopping at the sink. And I, Pete Bogs, reminded you in this post, wherein I stated that hand washing should be considered not simply a suggestion, but a patriotic duty, with harsh penalties for those who don’t comply. So you can't say you don't know. Take it from a marketing professional: “There’s never been a better time” to adopt this good habit, folks.

Be healthy.

American Sickness: A BogsBlog Special Edition

2009-08-20T11:06:00.036-04:00

ABOVE: Pete Bogs getting "socialized" in the UK.

Pete Bogs here, revving up BogsBlog for a one-off post about the ongoing health care reform (aka healthcare reform) debate raging in the United States right now. And it is raging. Apparently, it takes a special issue to turn some people into noisemakers. I honestly can’t remember any issue eliciting such vitriol here – not the war in Iraq, not our own government spying on us, not the way our values have been so compromised in front of the world in recent years.

And this universal health care debate is at heart about American values. In broadest terms, it is a battle between those who care about money and those who care about people. On one side, defiantly ignorant hordes who use the fear of government-run “death panels” – seemingly drawn from some dystopic sci-fi story – and their profiteering enablers in the corporate world, who stand to lose the most (money) from a socialized, government-run health care system; on the other, those who believe health care is a basic human right that should be fostered from the top down.

Earlier this year I enjoyed visiting friends in Scotland and England, countries where everyone receives health care regardless of profession, social status or ability to pay. They love America and Americans, with some reservations (it’s not an unconditional love), but they consider it madness that one of the largest, richest, most developed countries in the world doesn’t provide health care for its people. And I agree with them 100%. We should be leading the world in progressive health care thinking; instead, we are way behind our friends. They don’t necessarily think their respective health care systems are perfect, but they also have made it clear they wouldn’t want to live without them.

The “American sickness” is our fear of making positive change because of the prevailing influence of misguided, even dangerous ideological ("special interest") groups. Yeah, let’s keep those assault weapons legal and easily acquirable. Let’s even allow people to brandish them outside an event where the president was speaking on health care reform. We’re smart people who always take sensible steps to do what’s best for us. No question.

We constantly congratulate ourselves on being the best at everything, but these notions are rarely based on empirical knowledge. They’re assumptions based largely on jingoism and ignorance (sorry for the redundancy there). The proponents haven’t looked at the world, nor do they often care “how they do it in (insert location here)”. So they can’t really say with any authority what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes, they seemingly just can’t make up their minds.

Socialized medicine, as it has sometimes been described, can and does work. Canada has it. Britain has it. These are some of our closest allies in the world, by the way. We’re not talking about Soviet-style socialism here, though judging by the overwrought reaction of some Americans, we may as well be. And we’re not talking about National Socialist Party-style philosophies either, but that is apparently lost on this woman, and this woman.

Again, I think this issue comes down to whether one cares more about people or about money. The first thing that comes up in any discussions I’ve personally had with health care reform opponents is, “Someone has to pay for this (universal healthcare).” Of course; nothing worthwhile comes without a cost. It all comes down to priorities. And I am ashamed by the misplaced priorities of so many of my fellow Americans. I am saddened, too, that a lack of information is often what drives their views on health care and so many other things.

My own mother – an extremely intelligent and liberal-minded woman who was a nurse for four decades – was opposed to socialized medicine. But I believe she was basing her position on outdated and/or inaccurate information. The true story isn’t coming from here, it’s coming from countries where universal healthcare is a reality. And I believe that if my mother knew the true story now, she’d feel differently. She certainly cares a lot about people, and always has.

There is no wrong in caring for your countrymen; the opposite is actually true. So people can shout and gnash their teeth about a “nanny state” or whatever they want to call it. I believe it’s a core function of government to protect and take care of its people.

Which brings me to a non-rhetorical question. Seriously, please answer it, at least to yourself, but preferably as a comment on this post. If you take nothing else away from this post, take this question, which is actually a series of interrelated questions:

How can some of the very same people who want large sums of money spent on traditional national defense also object to us spending money on health care for all citizens? Isn’t keeping Americans alive and healthy the common goal of both our defense system and our health care system? How can you say you want to prevent an anthrax attack from terrorists upon your neighbor, yet not be concerned about preventing or treating a naturally occurring cancer or infection in that same neighbor? How can you want to stop bullets and bombs from raining down upon someone, but be completely indifferent were they to be injured in another context? Who funds our defense system? We all do, because it is for the common good. We should give health care no less importance, starting now.

If Congress does not take this opportunity to make universal health care – including a “public option” – a reality for Americans, we need to vote to yank health benefits from them. Use your salaries to pay for your own, guys. If it’s good enough for the people you represent, it’s good enough for you. This seems like a sensible proposal to me. Anyone? Anyone?

Bogs Does Blighty (UPDATED: VIDEOS ADDED)

2009-05-09T16:00:00.002-04:00

In Scotland

In England

In Heaven

Lots more pics.

A few videos, too:

Royal Mile Piper

Edinburgh Underground Vaults

A Message From Me

The London Eye

Stop The Killing (Mostly) UPDATED

2009-04-08T12:25:00.002-04:00

Americans are dropping to gun violence so fast it’s making my head spin and stomach turn. The bloodletting has reached epidemic proportions of late, with mass killings in homes, nursing homes, immigrant centers and even church retreats all over this gun-loving nation of ourn. I feel like it’s 2006 again, but instead of getting arrested for DUI, everyone’s going on their own killing sprees.

One of the shootings involved a guy armed with an AK-47 (assault weapon) lying in wait for police to show up at his home. It’s been said he was afraid of the “Obama gun ban” that’s on its way (he’s likely also afraid of Obama’s socialist/Marxist agenda, his planned Muslim caliphate and his national service slave/drone army; he should be afraid of the Easter Bunny, too, because he’s just as real a danger). You can dismiss the shooter as a lone nutter, but remember, a lot of people share his concern. Gun sales are way up. And three cops are dead as a result of one man’s paranoia and a weapon he should never have been able to procure.

Now is a scary time to live in America. It’s clear we need to immediately take serious, effective steps to reduce violence within our borders. At the same time, I think there are some places in the world that could use a little more of it. (Re-read that if you need to.)

Yet another cargo ship has been hijacked off the coast of Somalia, this one with at least 20 Americans on board. Piracy has become so frequent and – seemingly – so easy in the region that it’s turning into a bad joke. The typical scenario is this: a half-dozen guys armed with machine guns and grenade launchers zip out in a speedboat, seize a ship and either claim its cargo or demand a ransom for the release of the vessel and crew. On occasion, these men take time out from their shipboard hijacking duties to observe religious holidays. Let it never be said pirates are devoid of values!

For the life of me, I can’t understand why a few of the world’s powerful, armed nations can’t simply blast these pirate vessels out of the water on sight. A few guys in a small boat? I am seeing minimal ammo expenditure here. We’re allowing a few bullies to hold the entire school hostage, and it’s embarrassing, frustrating and mostly preventable. A single, well-aimed shot (say, in the direction of the speedboat’s fuel tank) from even a small gun on a plane, helicopter or military ship could put a stop to an imminent hijacking.

Any surviving pirates would then be given the opportunity to fill up a shark’s belly, or to have their own lungs filled with the ocean’s finest briny stuff. Yes, an essential part of this battle against the pirates is a “no rescue” policy. We have already wasted far too much time on these people. Let the pirates back home get the message that we’re done with them from the sight of their buddies’ bodies washing up on the beach.

I would say the same thing were this to be happening off the coast of a European country instead of an African one, lest anyone think my cavalier attitude toward the pirates’ lives to be racially motivated.

And then there’s Kim Jong-Il. Remember the little Asian dictator so desperate to stay in the headlines that he performs needlessly provocative missile tests from time to time? It’s his way of saying, “Since I don’t have much of my own, I will f*ck the world with this baby. You complain and threaten sanctions, but you know you love it, b*tches!” People of North Korea: Why don’t just smother this guy already? Have you never heard of pillows, or does your “Dear Leader” not allow you to have those? We’re one palace guard away from restoring sanity and security to the region. The world needs – and awaits – your initiative.

Yes Virginia, There Really Is A Morning After (Pt. II + 2)

2009-01-20T00:01:00.010-05:00

End Of An Error

To quote the late President Gerald Ford, “Our long national nightmare is over.” George Bush is being evicted from the Oval Office forever. Yes, the gong has sounded, and the great liar, criminal and dullard is finally leaving the stage. But don’t worry about good old George, because I’m certain such an eloquent man has a lucrative career as both a keynote speaker and author already mapped out. In fact, I have an exclusive look at an early draft of his memoirs here, written in George’s own hand.

Good stuff.

In closing, when thinking back on the many tribulations of the last eight years, it's important we all remember that every single one of them was Bill Clinton’s fault.

Congrats and good luck to Mr. Obama. We're hoping for big things.

If We Fail To Look Back, We May Have Only Trouble To Look Forward To (AKA "Ending A Sentence With A Preposition")

With regard to investigating the Bush administration’s many crimes foreign and domestic, President Obama has cryptically and disappointingly stated that he’s inclined to look forward rather than backward. Can you imagine a defense lawyer using this argument in court? “My client has admitted to the killing, but it happened two years ago. Why can’t we focus on the future instead? I call for a dismissal of the case against him.”

Some have expressed concern that Republicants would brand any investigation as a partisan witch hunt; of course they will, because that’s what they do. They make noise and accusations and hope the problems get forgotten in the fracas, or at least their potential damage is lessened somewhat. They will absolutely choose party loyalty over justice; none has the integrity to hold accountable an official that shares their same party affiliation. Not even Arlen Specter.

But we shouldn’t let that deter us. Just like standing up to a schoolyard bully, it’s hard, but it’s also the right thing to do. He’ll call you names, he’ll attack your allegiances, but you simply have to consider the source.

A former Democrat, I supported the removal of Gov. Spitzer and Rep. Jefferson from their respective positions when their crimes became public. I want that selfish prick Blagojevich out of office as well.

My guiding desire is not to see Republicant leaders punished so much as to ensure accountability is demanded of public officials at all levels.

My question – not rhetorical, the real kind – to any government official who opposes investigating Bush is and has been: How do you prevent a future administration from carrying out war crimes and illegally spying on the American people if there is no real, legally binding deterrent? What’s to stop them from doing at least as much as Bush & Co. did, as they know they can go that far and not have to face any consequences?

Often a failure to act against fellow officials is done out of an unspoken political courtesy to which we outside the Beltway are not privy, or simply out of expediency. I’ve said this before, but I believe that choice should be removed from the equation altogether. When there is evidence of wrongdoing, as (for example) attorney general you must investigate it or resign. That’s what happens when you don’t do your job – you lose it, right?

Accountability may be a tough thing to enforce, but it’s certainly preferable to watching criminals slip away in plain sight.

Obama's HAL 9000-powered inauguration train.

Bogs’ Covert Funding Scandal

My Fellow Bloggers:

I wanted you to hear this from me first, instead of through the blogosphere or the traditional media, as that would be inevitable at this point.

I have to confess that I have not been entirely honest with you. Despite my insistence that I would provide no further support – financial or otherwise – to the Democratic Party or any of its candidates, in October of last year I did make a single $100 donation to Barack Obama’s presidential campaign.

The reasons for this illicit contribution were twofold:

1) At the time, Obama and his opponent, John McCain, were running neck and neck in Florida polls, and I did not wish for a lack of action on my part to contribute to an Obama defeat.
2) I did not wish for my state to once again be the cause of an election fiasco a la 2000, hence I wanted to ensure a clear winner.

Though I firmly believe these were compelling reasons to act, that does not mitigate the fact that I in no uncertain terms said I would not take such an action. To my family and to others I have disappointed or embarrassed with my actions, I humbly apologize. I can only hope that in the days ahead you will forgive me, as I believe God has already done.

I respectfully request privacy during this difficult time.

PS: I am also an alcoholic, meth head, gambling addict, whoremonger and defiler of the innocent. But first things first, ok?

Yes Virginia, There Really Is A Morning After (Pt. I)

2008-11-05T22:59:00.004-05:00

My Fellow Americans:

Regardless of how you voted yesterday, I think it’s important to remember that today we are all winners. For we’ve given an insufferable leader who continually frustrated and shamed us for eight years his two months notice. Americans and foreign nationals alike have reason to rejoice.

In the days ahead, I look forward to working with liberals and – once they’ve undergone the “enhanced reeducation techniques” I’ll be advocating under Obama – consternatives to bring America back to its ideals. No more torture. No more illegal spying. No more secrecy at the highest levels. No more power grabs. No more hate-based legislation (actually, see the next paragraph). No more greed-driven foreign policy. Let the great reconciliation with American democracy begin!

My enthusiasm about yesterday's historic event – including Florida voting the right way for president for the first time in many cycles – is dulled slightly by the fact that 62% of those Floridians also voted for Amendment 2, the gay marriage ban. Protect marriage, an institution that has kept our civilization going for eons, they say. I don't get it; would straight people stop marrying and procreating if gays could legally do the former?

If we let gays marry, where does it stop? they say. The answer is: Right there. You see, there are basically straights, gays and bisexuals (who are covered by the first two categories). That's it. There are no viable marriage categories left after that. The devil's advocate examples of "pedophiles marrying children" and "men marrying farm animals" are silly, insulting and simply not relevant. Gay marriage would not be a "gateway drug," as some have suggested. Shame on Florida and other states that voted the wrong way on similar ballot measures.

I’ll leave you today with a video featuring some fitting words from the late Robert Palmer. Obama haters, homophobes and other kinds of xenophobes, this one's for you. Peace!

PS: Be sure to come by on Inauguration Day for Part II. Thanks for listening.

Happy Halloween From Abu Ghraib Prisoner #114

2008-10-31T10:00:00.003-04:00

I'm sure to win a few costume contests with this year's selection, don't you think? Even more frightening than an image of me semi-clad, though, is the lasting damage images like this have done to America's stature in the world. I praise all the hallowed saints on this, their e'en, that the man behind some of our country's worst moments will soon be losing his power. It's been a scary time.

Enjoy Samhain, and watch out for the little ones!

UFOs Are R-E-A-L

2008-10-26T21:45:00.000-04:00

Some 1500 pages worth of information on UFO sightings have been released by Britain's National Archives. And while many of the incidents cited are explained away by earthly phenomena, some remain unexplained.

I don't need official documents in order to believe there's a good chance UFOs exist, however. The universe is immense; it seems rational to me that there would be other "intelligent" races that have developed space travel technology.

This lifelong belief has recently been bolstered by an unexpected confession from an acquaintance. This man – whose name I have been asked not to divulge – is someone very close whom I trust implicitly. He reluctantly agreed to tell me his story on camera for the benefit of my readers/viewers. It's pretty shocking stuff.

Note: The video is intentionally dark and the voice altered in order to protect the subject.

Fragmentia Monday: The Buffet Is Open!

2008-10-20T21:00:00.004-04:00

From the momentous to the mundane, there’s lots here to talk about, people. If you don’t have something to say about at least one of these items, what good are ye?

I find the Wall Street bailout ironic and hypocritical. You have some of the very same politicians who regularly dismiss the notion of helping out the little guy (aka Main Street) with so-called entitlements rushing to help the big guy (aka Wall Street)?! But Pete, you say, by helping those big guys we’ll ultimately help the little guys! So, we are willing to assist the little guys, but only indirectly – through the big guys? Folks, I believe seeing CEOs walk away from their companies with $20 million while rank-and-file employees are being laid off dispels the myth of trickle-down economics for all time. It just don’t happen! And the government buying banks? Where are the accusations of socialism now? Now?

By the way, what’s with Bush pushing this bailout on Congress while at the same time wanting to veto food stamps and unemployment from a second stimulus package? See the big guy/little guy thing again.

Is it dangerous for chocolate Labradors to lick or chew themselves?

Mr. Blackwell, originator of the “worst-dressed list” for public figures, has died. I wonder how the undertaker will dress him?

If you are selling food or beverages in three different sizes, by law you should only be allowed to name them “small,” “medium” and “large,” respectively. None of this “medium/large/giant” crap! The smallest size of anything cannot be “medium!” Pizza places, you are the worst offenders. (Two sizes? "Small" and "large." That wasn't hard, was it?)

Speaking of pizza, I believe “left-over pizza” to be oxymoronic. It's certainly apocryphal in my home.

Another food-related law I am proposing is the Lid Standardization Doctrine (LSD). Some salad dressing bottles have a small opening that allows you to pour the dressing over your salad in small, controlled bursts; this wonderful invention gives you maximum control over amount and distribution. The other kind of bottle has no such opening, just a 1.25 inch opening that – if you believe yourself to be opening the other kind of bottle and pour too quickly – may cause you to empty the entire contents over one bowl of salad. Not that I’ve ever done this. But I believe the producers of these products are 1) deliberately trying to make us look foolish and 2) trying to get us to use up dressing quickly so that we will buy more. It's an outrage!

Never forget: When you presume you make a pres out of u and me.

The release of a new Playstation game has been delayed because of objections over passages from the Koran being used in some of the background music. The game will now be released without the offending words. Who knew some Muslims could be so touchy? I mean, they’re typically so levelheaded when their holy writings are used in popular culture.

Only the first sneeze in any series of sneezes should be given a “God bless you!” by those within earshot. Beyond that is overkill.

Some 1,500 raccoon dogs(?) bred in China for their fur have died from eating tainted food. Do I really need to add anything more to this?

A Chinese official involved in the building of Olympic facilities has been sentenced to death for corruption. They may commute the sentence to life in prison if he behaves himself. I still can’t believe anyone does anything like this in China. The stakes are too high.

I can no longer abide the blending of (American) sports bar and Irish pub. Each premise is strong enough to stand on its own. Take your fucking NFL team jerseys off the wall and put the Tri-Colour back up there, lest I box your ears, purveyor of said public house! (This kind of) miscegenation is wrong, wrong and terribly wrong!

Don’t talk to me, near me or about me when I am in the toilet.

I am tired of people giving me funny looks when I walk with an open umbrella on sunny days.

I am against home births except in instances of C-section.

I seek the elimination of all parking fines save for parking in a handicapped space when able-bodied or blocking a street or driveway. I am so... super... serial. Further, I would seriously increase fines for multi-space parking. Some people consider their first attempt at parking in a space their only attempt. Back your lazy ass up and straighten out the car, chief. Slogans to promote this new statute include: “One Vehicle, One Parking Space” and “Over The Line? Pay The Fine!”

The determination of when a restaurant meal is coming to a close should be when the last person is finishing the meal, not the first. I sometimes eat fast; that shouldn’t give any server the cue to start talking about dessert or offering a take-home box to a dining companion who is obviously only halfway through eating his/her meal. Not so fast, Garcon!

I believe that most people can do better in most things but are simply too lazy, proud or stupid to do so.

Snowflakes are God’s dandruff.

On-Star’s Automatic Crash Response feature is a mixed blessing. Let’s say you’ve had a drink or two, are driving down a dark road one night and run into a tree, mildly damaging both the bark and your car, but leaving the latter completely drivable. On-Star senses the collision and automatically dispatches 911 emergency service to you. In another time you would’ve been able to shake it off, get back in your car and proceed cautiously on your way. Now we have so-called “safety features” ratting on us? Narcs, man, narcs!

How is it time machines seem to not only transport their occupants to eras when something significant was happening, but also to those exact places as well? 1492? Wow, we’re aboard the Santa Maria! 1776? I think some Redcoat just fired a musket at me! Who says going back to 1776 wouldn’t place you in the very same space you occupy in the present? Or in the middle of a 1776 desert where absolutely nothing is going on? Or at the top of a mountain? I think movies may be lying to us! And I believe any such devices should henceforth rightly be called “time and space machines.”

When you come to a fork in the road, be careful not to hurt your foot or puncture a tire.

I believe – and I am again 100% serious on this – that there ought to be a new law prohibiting the "obstruction of the progress of mankind.” Meaning, a disease is about to be cured but your pharmaceutical firm stands to lose billions, so you pay off the researchers to scuttle their discovery. Or a viable electric car is developed, and overnight oil companies and/or other car companies get it pulled back from its owners, destroyed and never spoken of again. (That one really happened, by the way.) Interfering with anything that will make the world a significantly better place should be considered a high crime, with those responsible facing 20 years to life. With all the petty kinds of shit that are illegal, this is a major oversight.

If your eyes are bigger than your stomach, you're probably a mutant.

If anyone – man, woman or child – challenges your right to vote on November 4, punch them square in the jaw. Then tell 'em Pete sent ya!

When it comes to taxes remember this: It’s not your money, it’s our money. So give me our goddamn PIN so I can go get some cash to spend at another stupid sports bar-Irish pub!

Holy Crap, It's The Jesus Fish!

2008-10-14T07:45:00.001-04:00

Jesus Christ has returned and he's... WTF... a shark? Indeed, scientific tests have yielded a startling revelation: a slippery little fanged fishy was recently born to a female shark without the benefit of male consort. Jesus H. is back, and he’s ready to take a bite out of sin. It's a Second Coming of oceanic proportions. I wonder which five-star cruise liner the Magi will follow to bring him gifts of finest chum, remora and dorsal fin wax?

PS: Human females, don't go getting any of your own ideas about asexual reproduction!

You Wanna See Something Really Scary?

2008-10-08T00:01:00.001-04:00

Halloween is just round the corner. And while stories of unscrupulous people putting razor blades or needles into children’s candy are largely the stuff of urban legend, this year there is genuine reason to worry about what the little goblins are eating.

Some candies produced in China and sold in the US have been found to contain a toxin called melamine. I’d heard candy was bad for you, but come on! The life-threatening substance was used as filler by unscrupulous manufacturers in an effort to boost production. Is it possible these melameanies are even more fervent free market capitalists than some of their Western counterparts?

The candy poisoning follows closely on the heels of the deaths of several Chinese children who drank milk tainted with the same substance. Milk? Children’s milk, Mandrake? (Perhaps in a vastly overpopulated country – which includes many, many abandoned girls – the responsible companies see themselves as providing some perverse social benefit?)

Some of the people involved in the production of the tainted goods (I use that term loosely) have been arrested. I never thought I’d say this about that Great Land of Oppression (GLOP), but at least China has some accountability. Over here bad products result in civil lawsuits. I’m not convinced, though, that the criminal route is wrong; meaning, if industrialists thought they could actually face jail (rather than a financial penalty they would simply never pay), would they be more concerned with the safety of their products?

One thing is certain – there are real monsters in the world. Many of them live in China. Don’t go swallowing anything with the "C" word on it.

Happy Hour At “O’Bama's Place”

2008-10-03T00:01:00.004-04:00

Did Barack Obama see my declaration of independence video, and if so, is he now actively trying to woo me back to the Democratic Party? If not, one could at least say he's found the way to my heart – he visited an Irish pub in my area on a recent campaign stop. You had me at “Hello, I’m Barack Obama, and I could use your vote.”

In all seriousness, I am not returning to the party in its present form. (If I find out Obama is a Guinness man, all bets are off). But I have begun to think that a nation under Obama – always my preferred candidate –would be a lot more fun. What some call "Obamanation" I call "O'Bama's Place," where happy hour is every hour.

"No, you don't need to see my ID, goddamit. I'm Barack friggin' Obama, the precedent... prestiden... (hiccup) fuggit... presidential candidate. No, not Osama, OBAMA! I am so sick and tired of hearing that crap! Who says I've had too many? Hey, I drive my campaign better when I've had a few. Hello, I didn't see you there. What's your name? Amanda? Amanda, you're really pretty."

Obama hasn't shied away from being seen with a pint - the proper serving size for beer - in his hand.

Happily married Obama still can't help but take notice of a beautiful lady when he spots one.

In recent presidential elections the question has been asked: With which candidate would you most like to enjoy a beer? If it’s going to be at an Irish pub, that's an easy one for me to answer.

Police (State) Report For 30 September, 2008 (UPDATED)

2008-09-30T00:01:00.003-04:00

America's finest have not been enjoying their finest hours of late.

After roughing up and arresting dozens of people – a minority of whom were causing trouble and a majority of whom were credentialed reporters, passersby and others simply swept up in a dragnet a la 2004 Republican National Convention – at the 2008 Democratic National Convention, some Denver cops have now added insult to injustice with this t-shirt:

Actually, it's not insult so much as flagrantly flouting their own violation of any number of laws and civil rights. I say bust all the bad cops involved (in the arrests and the creation of the t-shirt) and use this in court as evidence against them. Imagine a t-shirt: "I robbed Manny's Liquor Store at the corner of 14^th and Washington." If that were true, would the law simply look the other way?

An emotionally disturbed man died this week after being tased by New York police. Iman Morales had climbed out on the front of a building sans clothing and was trying to keep the police at bay using a fluorescent light bulb when the commanding officer ordered another officer to fire his Taser at Morales. Disturbing video footage shows Morales going limp and falling forward off the building, to the audible horror of onlookers. The distance to the ground was only about 10 feet, but as Morales had temporarily lost muscular control he landed on his head and died.

Folks, the sight of a naked man in public is strange and alarming, but let's get some perspective. A pervert? Possibly. Could he be a danger to others? Where would he hide a weapon? Turns out he was having trouble with his medication. The tasing was found to have violated NYC Police rules against using the weapon on someone who is likely to fall and be harmed. (NOTE: Out of respect for the commanding officer, who today apparently committed suicide, I have modified this post slightly.)

A West Virginia man who was arrested for DUI and driving without headlights shortly thereafter also briefly faced a charge of battery for farting and waving the foul air at Officer T.E. Parsons. That charge has since been dropped, but the fact one could be charged for such a thing? Imagine all the siblings, teammates, frat buddies, knitting circle companions, etc. who could now be charged with battery!

Such an assault on someone else's olfactory senses may be may disrespectful and gross – a low blow, in a manner of speaking – but it's not battery. In fact, I believe flatulence to be a constitutionally protected bodily function. (I must admit, I have imagined sitting in the back of a squad car, handcuffed and helpless, and firing off the only weapon at my disposal to let the cops know how I felt about them. I think even Gandhi would've approved of such non-violent civil disobedience.)

Ok, so here's a token "good cop" story for those of you shaking your heads and fingers at my shameless disrespect for authority figures: A Wisconsin police officer has started a reading program for underprivileged children – and she's not reading them their rights. No, that's a few years off yet. Anyway, good on Officer Julia Burney-Witherspoon.

Do I have an axe to grind? Have I had a few run-ins (or is it like "attorneys general," i.e. runs-in) with the law? I think my blog history shows I fervently call for accountability at all levels. When authorities aggressively and/or unnecessarily detain, incarcerate, charge, beat or otherwise endanger the citizens they are supposed to protect – and then face few or no consequences – the system has failed.

I don't consider dropping charges that should've never been filed or changing someone's job title "accountability." No, what I call accountability is facing penalties for willful malfeasance; consider it a deterrent tactic, a term which should be very familiar to those who enforce the law for a living. Some will no doubt suggest a "chilling effect" on law enforcement could result, leading to them being afraid to even do their jobs. However, when it comes to incidents such as I've mentioned here I'm more worried about them not being afraid. It is the absence of that fear that has placed Americans in a nascent police state.

Setbacks, Dog Attacks And Dental Plaque

2008-08-28T20:05:00.005-04:00

In recent weeks, President Bush has suffered a few significant setbacks to his agenda of unchecked power. A judge appointed by Bush has ruled that some of the president’s former aides must testify before Congress about politically motivated firings of US attorneys. George, if I ever said in the past that you don’t know how to pick judges, I was at least partially wrong!

Meanwhile, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki has once again said that the US must set a specific date for military withdrawal from his country. Kind of destroys the whole Bush talking point (and, doubtless, Republicant election victory strategy) of painting anyone who wants to bring US troops home as quitters who embolden terrorists. Is Iraq worried? "Thanks, we’ll take it from here." Chew on that, consternos. Then get our people home ASA fucking P!

Man bites dog is news. "'The man' shoots dog" is sadly becoming news, of late. A SWAT team shot a Maryland mayor’s two black Labradors to death during a mistaken drug raid at his home. (I guess blacks really do suffer more violence at the hands of police.) Known for their intelligence and gentleness (i.e. great family dogs), the two dogs were shot in the back by well-armed and body-armored SWAT team members who claimed they felt threatened. A senseless act. You’ve got a gun, it’s only a dog, so what the hell. Sure, it’s easy for me to sit here and point fingers after the fact, but this is just fucked up. An investigation has been launched, but I’m not holding my breath that anyone involved will be punished for excessive use of force.

Down in San Marcos, Texas, police Officer Paul Stephens pulled over a man for speeding, but it was no routine traffic stop. It turns out the driver had a sick seriously ill dog in the car and was rushing to a veterinarian. The driver pleaded with the cop, but was told to calm down because it was just a dog and he could “get another one.” The dog died during the 15-20 minutes it took Stephens to write a ticket. What an insensitive asshole! Seriously, man. Officer Paul Stephens, asshole, dog killer, public servant. It’s all on video, too. Did I mention Office Paul Stephens is an asshole and a dog killer?

By the way, I include stories like this here because, as I've hopefully made clear since the beginning of this blog, I cannot abide what I see as abuse of power, whether it's "W" using government agencies or military resources to suit his own agenda or cops clearly going way over the line. Powerful people rarely suffer legal consequences for their actions, so I try them here, in the court of public opinion. It's the only court time they'll ever see.

Now I know what it feels likes to be a woman. At the repeated request of my dental hygienist, I finally bought an electric toothbrush last week. I figured there’d be a slight buzzing sound from it, and a somewhat amusing new sensation in my mouth, but what I got sounds and feels like a jackhammer inside my head, and that new sensation is actually numbness. When I am done using this vibrating, handheld implement I feel somewhat… violated. Oh, and the rotating head! Funny thing when you get toothpaste and saliva and other viscous matter on it – they go every which way, dotting all nearby surfaces. Sure, the toothbrush belongs in your mouth, but you’ve got to take a breath and spit once in a while, no? I think this implement would actually make a better “gag gift” (wink wink) for a bachelorette party.

Hey, has there ever been an electric toothbrush artist? Put a dab of paint on the tip, put it near a canvas and turn it on? Forget the airbrush – I think I just invented a new style of art: Rotationist.

Note: The section below has potentially offensive words that have been hidden to shelter fragile sensibilities. Working as I do as a web writer, and paying attention to SiteMeter, I know what brings in visitors to a website. A little gratuitious, but it serves its purpose.

pussy teen sex videos upskirt fuck barely legal nude celebrity free porn hidden camera facials cum blowjob

Do These Olympics Seem A Bit Gamey To You?

2008-08-08T23:55:00.000-04:00

"Cocker spaniels: They've been on my training table since I was a kid." - Li Ling Jaun, 2008 Olympian

China opened its first-ever Olympic Games today, August 8, 2008, in the grand style one has come to expect of these events. But the location wasn’t the only first, as the longstanding medal-awarding structure has been altered to meet the requirements of the host country.

Prior to 2008, the standard award hierarchy was as follows:

First Place = Gold
Second Place = Silver
Third Place = Bronze

A few award levels have been added or changed for these games at the behest of the Chinese government:

First Place = Gold
Second Place = Lead
Third Place = 20 years hard labor
Fourth Place = SARS
Fifth Place+ = Immediate execution

PS: An obscure 16th century soothsayer is said to have had foreknowledge of the 2008 games. His words are somewhat vague, so judge for yourself:

"And on the day when the three eights are in alignment, the nations of the world shall meet in the Eastern kingdom, and there shall their warrior minions wage a bloodless battle for prize and pride. Bloodless, that is, provided the pollution or food doesn't kill anyone. Don't hold your breath. On second thought, do." - Nostradumbass

I QUIT! (A Declaration Of Independence)

2008-07-14T08:05:00.001-04:00

Please click below for a special communiqué from Pete Bogs in Jamon Province.

V.I. Day For The Terroristical Killers

2008-07-08T20:25:00.001-04:00

Bush’s bluff has been called. He was counting on Iraq not asking for a timetable for US troop withdrawal. Now they have. Indeed, the very country that would “fall into chaos” if we were to leave is asking us to start packing up our things. I guess Iraq just wants to surrender and hand a victory to the terrorists, who will most assuredly be emboldened by a US withdrawal. I blame Democrats, who the Iraqis are clearly taking after here.

Bush has already dismissed the timetable idea, even though he previously said we would leave if asked by the Iraqi government. "Shut up, Spock! We're rescuing you."

W knows best?

Iraq, there’s no way we can “quit you” in the near future. We’ve got too much money – in the form of bloated defense budgets, war-profiteering mercenary contractors and promises of oodles of barrels of lucrative Mesopotamian dinosaur juice to big petroleum – tied up in this operation to walk away now.

Besides, we want to make sure leaving looks like our idea. We may lose a couple thousand more soldiers before all is said and done, but we will save face. Well, in our own minds. We are already quite faceless before most of the world now.

Discarded Onion Peels

2008-06-08T11:05:00.005-04:00

The following is a list of headlines written by yours truly, intended for but never used by The Onion. Enjoy.

Chipmunks’ Manager Dave Ordered To Anger Management Classes; Must Stay 500 Feet Away From Alvin

NFL To Crack Down On Draft Dodgers; Players: “Hell No, We Won’t Throw!”

Fourth Grade Ice Skating Championship Runner-Up Decries Activist Judges

Transgendered Person Keeps First Letter Of Previous Name So As Not To Confuse Family, Friends

Area Woman Still Can’t Open Own Ketchup Bottle

Smokers Busted In Loitering Sting

Meteorologists Baffled By Hail Not Sized Like Any Piece Of Sporting Equipment

Local Woman Doesn’t Pass Gas

Man Holds Out Hope For Reunited Carolinas

Hummus To Be Renamed “Liberty Spread”

Porn Site Loaded With Typos

Family Organization Seeks Legislation To Bar Gay Couples From Adopting Pets

I'd Blog Me

2008-05-18T16:25:00.000-04:00

BogsSpeaks: Gas Pains

2008-05-11T10:44:00.002-04:00

The Smoking Egg Roll

2008-05-01T19:35:00.000-04:00

I now have proof positive - in the form of a smoking egg roll - that China is conducting an unconventional war against the United States through tainted consumer goods. They are trying to sicken us all - adults, children, and even pets.

I recently bought a package clearly labeled “vegetable egg rolls” at my local supermarket. Later, I was well through eating one of the “vegetable egg rolls” when I detected a strange taste and decided to look inside. The damned thing had chicken in it!

I don’t eat dead things, and was quite disgusted. These weren’t big chunks of chicken, mind you, but small pieces like you’d get in a packet of instant soup, otherwise I would‘ve noticed sooner.

Yes, the war has now hit me in my own home, and I am pissed.

I should also add that on more than one occasion I have bitten into an appetizer spring roll at a Chinese restaurant, only to find chicken or some such substance inside, after being assured it contained no dead animal pieces. “No meat. Just vestible (sic). Only vestible.”

See? Those are two pretty damning “pieces” of evidence right there, if I do say so myself.

So what if those prepackaged egg rolls are made in Texas? So what if most of the people working in Chinese restaurants here are actually Korean? My initial assertion regarding China is sound.

China, I am on to you!

PS: I sent the maker of the aforementioned packaged egg rolls an email through their website, but never received a response from them. I want some free shit, people!

PSS: Boycott the 2008 Summer Olympics, free Tibet, yadda yadda yadda.

PSSST: I recently bought a video camera and am considering posting all-singing, all-dancing, all-nude, all-talking video blogs here. At long last my shameful physical deformities and severe speech impediment will be revealed to the blogosphere. This could be fun!

Whore To Culture: A Bogsblog Special Edition (No Fooling)

2008-04-01T18:15:00.002-04:00

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is being charged with perjury and a host of other crimes for allegedly lying under oath about an affair with a staff member. It seems sexually explicit text messages between the two have been uncovered, essentially destroying their story. It's not about the sex, it's about the lying... about sex.

Meanwhile, new New York Governor David Paterson has admitted to having sexual affairs and trying cocaine in the past. Preemptively admitting an affair – rather than having a newspaper reporter out him a year or two down the road and forcing him to explain himself – was an admirable and I think very prudent step. However, what comes to mind in this election year, as we once again look at images of candidates alongside their spouses and children – the idea of family representing “moral,” “trustworthy” or “normal” to many a voter – is the fact that being a family person is no guarantee that someone is "clean."

I’ve never had an affair (never been married) and have never done illegal drugs. But I am also 39 years old and single, a vegetarian, and have no specific religious beliefs. Were I to run for office, I might have the smartest, most revolutionary platform ever, but I’d never have a chance; my candidacy would be sunk very quickly by American prejudices against my unconventional situation, and certainly by a powerful smear machine.

Paterson took the highest office in the state of New York, of course, after Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned in light of revelations he partook of the services of a high-priced call girl ring. His real crime, though, was hypocrisy: Spitzer ran for governor on a platform of ethical reform, and had prosecuted many a prostitution case in his former role as Attorney General for New York State.

I felt bad – and somewhat confused – by the presence of Spitzer’s wife Silda at his side during the two public statements he made about the scandal. First, the poor woman didn’t deserve to have to stand up there in front of the cameras and the world with the man who paid women young enough to be their daughter for sex. And, the people of New York didn’t vote for Silda, they voted for her husband. It was really a message to the people of the state from the disgraced politician. It may have been important to Eliot to have his wife up there next to him, but it was also a selfish and irrelevant act.

Not long after the prostitution scandal erupted, the identity of at least one of Spitzer’s sex-for-hire gals was revealed: 22-year-old Ashley Dupré, aka “Kristen,” who according to her Myspace page is an aspiring singer. Apparently microphones aren’t the only elongated, shaft-like things she wants to wrap her hands around and hold up to her mouth for money and fame.

I am actually not opposed to prostitution, primarily on the basis that if a man wants to pay a woman for something, and she wants to take the money for that something, it’s no one else’s business. But Spitzer allegedly paid Dupré $4300 plus various expenses for an hour of "service." This is actually one of the most disturbing parts of this story, as there's almost nothing a woman could do sexually that would be worth that much. And Dupré was one of the middle-priced escorts, according to the Emporers Club VIP price list. Where do these women get off charging that much for a man to get off? I’m typically outspoken against unnecessary plastic surgery, but for that amount I’d pretty much want what I’d consider to be a “perfect 10,” not a woman whose nose could double as a ski slope.

"Kristen" (the "K" stands for K12) makes an impassioned

plea for piece in the Middle East.

Then there is the issue I’ve discussed before on this blog, and that is that an implied part of the financial transaction between client and service provider is discretion. What happened to the love of the craft in these prostitutes who go around giving interviews about it afterwards? It makes me sad. These young people with their tell-all books and their dungarees.

It turns out Dupré has somewhat of a history as a sexual entertainer, as her involvement at age 18 in the making of several Girls Gone Wild videos has also been revealed. I am no puritan; actually, I consider myself somewhat of a libertine. But when did young women all become such “hos?” What was once a fascinating phenomenon of sexually charged young women has turned into an epidemic. It’s no wonder 25% of them have some kind of sexually transmitted disease.

But the most important question here is, of course, where were these “Lolitas” when I was a young, randy yet shy schoolboy aching to be made a man? That’s the real crime!

In local news, there have been a spate of arrests in my county of teachers who had sexual contact with their students. These are mostly women teachers, mind you. I’ve written extensively about Debra Lafave, who got house arrest for having sex with a 14-year-old student. Could it be that these other women, who couldn’t possibly be unaware of the Lafave case unless they were living under a rock for a few years, realized that if they were caught they would probably receive the same slap on the wrist from Johnny Law? There is no angry “remove their sexual organs” contingent in our society when it comes to female sexual predators, outside of my devil’s advocate blog post. Where is the deterrent?

But the most important question here is, of course, where were these “Mrs. Robinsons” when I was a young, randy yet shy schoolboy aching to be made a man? That’s the real crime!

Meanwhile, a woman is suing the T&A, err, TSA for forcing her to remove her nipple rings during a security screening. They probably were wrong to go about it the way they did, but I am thinking it’s not wise to take unnecessary metal objects through airport security. The nipplette’s lawyer, Gloria Allred, stated, "The last time I checked, a nipple was not a dangerous weapon." Tell that to the many, many people who suffered heart attacks and other catastrophic episodes at the fleeting glimpse of Janet Jackson’s nipple during the Super Bowl a few years ago. Children corrupted. Families broken. Dog and cats living together. Some real scary "End Times" shit there.

Worthless socialite turned reality TV star
turned jailbird turned new mom Nicole Richie
is shown above in an Al-Qaeda training video.

Bush-appointed federal judges have struck down a New York State law that amounts to a bill of rights for passengers stuck on grounded airplanes for an extended period of time. Their rationale was that federal law trumps state law. Once again, we see a lack of accountability being facilitated by the Bush administration; whether it’s telecoms, defense contractors (aka mercenaries) or Scooter Libby, Bush & Co. just can’t stand to see the big guy lose. The case also brings to mind the 2000 presidential election, when Republicants temporarily set aside their championing of states’ rights and cheered the Supreme Court’s overturning of the Florida high court’s ruling on the ballot recount.

And speaking of Florida, my home state is now considering a ban on saggy pants for public school students. Unlike the trousers which have inspired it, this bill would be (legally) binding. Many public schools already require uniforms. Soon they will implant chips in the students' heads to program any indecent thoughts right the hell out of them. Seriously though, based on some of the earlier stories in this post, shouldn't we be more concerned about enacting laws requiring politicians to keep their pants up?

Since the days of Jeb Bush Florida has been in the legislative grip of the NRA. Not satisfied with its victory on the “Stand Your Ground” law, aka the “Shoot First And Ask Questions Later” law, the clearly illiterate but powerful lobbying group is now pushing for the right of Florida workers to keep guns in their cars while at work, which many businesses oppose. I’d be interested to know how many people who opposed the indoor smoking ban a few years ago on the grounds that it took away business owners’ rights are suddenly not so interested in business owners’ rights and support this bill.

Dutch film Fitna, which is said to suggest that the Koran incites violence, is coming under fire from Muslims around the globe. In one of the most extreme criticisms, a member of an Al-Qaeda-affiliated group stated, "The correct Sharia (Islamic law) response is to cut (off) (the director’s) head and let him follow his predecessor, (late filmmaker Theo) van Gogh, to hell." Evidently these folks don’t understand the notion of “making someone else’s argument for them.”

In a news story that is surely a consternative’s wet dream, a Pennsylvania judge has ordered three Hispanic men to learn English or face jail for robbery. Contending the sentence constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, the men instead chose death by lethal injection.

As host of the 2008 Summer Olympic Games, China is being pressured to clean up its act with Tibet, Sudan and other volatile areas of the world. The Chinese government is also putting pressure on its own restaurateurs not to serve traditional delicacy canis lupus familiaris (dog) during the games for fear of freaking out people from more civilized nations. Maybe we need year-round Olympic games in China? (You didn't think you'd really get a post from me that didn't mention dogs and China, did you?)

"Please God, don't let these people eat me."

Heckling SOTU 2008: A BogsBlog Special Edition

2008-01-29T15:10:00.000-05:00

Below is a transcript of President Bush’s final State Of The Union speech; it is presented in its entirety, so all statements remain in context. Interjected throughout in caps are my thoughts on what he was saying. Actually, if you were in my living room you would’ve heard most of these things spoken aloud by me. Yeah, it's long, but you never know if/when you'll see another post here. So, take your time. Mark your spot and return. Before we start, let me first set the scene for you: Myself, sitting alone on my living room couch. Around me are strewn empty Guinness cans, bags of pretzels and nacho chips, and stacks of pizza boxes delivered by the area’s finest minimum wage workers; somewhere beneath the boxes are mounds of unpaid bills. Some of the 17 pounds I’ve gained since going on blog hiatus are peeking out from underneath my tatty t-shirt, and smothering the waistband of my underwear, which is possibly soiled (I haven’t checked since Christmas morn). I scratch and tug at my beard, which has come in to mountain man fullness, as I shout and gesticulate at the man talking on the magic glowing cube before me. He is saying…

Madam Speaker, Vice President Cheney, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow citizens:

Seven years have passed since I first stood before you at this rostrum. In that time, our country has been tested in ways none of us could have imagined. We have faced hard decisions about peace and war, rising competition in the world economy, and the health and welfare of our citizens. These issues call for vigorous debate, and I think it’s fair to say we’ve answered that call. (YUP. LOTS OF TALK, BUT LITTLE MOVEMENT IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.) Yet history will record that amid our differences, we acted with purpose. And together, we showed the world the power and resilience of American self-government.

All of us were sent to Washington to carry out the people’s business. That is the purpose of this body. It is the meaning of our oath. And it remains our charge to keep. (YET WE CONTINUE TO AVOID KEEPING IT.)

The actions of the 110th Congress will affect the security and prosperity of our Nation long after this session has ended. In this election year, let us show our fellow Americans that we recognize our responsibilities and are determined to meet them. And let us show them that Republicans and Democrats can compete for votes and cooperate for results at the same time. (WHAT KIND OF LIBERAL CRAP IS THAT?)

From expanding opportunity to protecting our country, we have made good progress. (DO ELABORATE. FACTS AND FIGURES, PLEASE. SPECIFICS. EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE.) Yet we have unfinished business before us, and the American people expect us to get it done. (WE HAVEN'T YET COMPLETELY TRASHED THE PLACE, BUT WE ARE MAKING PROGRESS.)

In the work ahead, we must be guided by the philosophy that made our Nation great. As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history. (I MISS MANIFEST DESTINY. WHEN ARE WE GOING TO FREE MIAMI FROM CUBAN COLONIZATION AND RECLAIM FLORIDA FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA?) We believe that the most reliable guide for our country is the collective wisdom of ordinary citizens. (ACTUALLY, SOME OF THEM ARE PRETTY DUMB.) So in all we do, we must trust in the ability of free people to make wise decisions, and empower them to improve their lives and their futures.

To build a prosperous future, we must trust people with their own money and empower them to grow our economy. (GO TO DISNEY WORLD. BUY DUCT TAPE AND PLASTIC SHEETING.) As we meet tonight, our economy is undergoing a period of uncertainty. (IT'S CALLED A "RECESSION.) America has added jobs for a record 52 straight months, but jobs are now growing at a slower pace. Wages are up, but so are prices for food and gas. Exports are rising, but the housing market has declined. And at kitchen tables across our country, there is concern about our economic future. (I OFTEN DISCUSS THESE PROBLEMS WITH MYSELF OVER PASTA.)

In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth. But in the short run, we can all see that growth is slowing. So last week, my Administration reached agreement with Speaker Pelosi and Republican Leader Boehner on a robust growth package that includes tax relief for individuals and families and incentives for business investment. The temptation will be to load up the bill. (LOADING UP THE BILL APPARENTLY MEANS HELPING THE UNEMPLOYED BY EXTENDING UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS. WHAT SELFISH PEOPLE!) That would delay it or derail it, and neither option is acceptable. This is a good agreement that will keep our economy growing and our people working. (OK, I'LL TAKE YOUR $600. BUT I REFUSE TO HELP THIS SO-CALLED ECONOMY OF YOURS! I WILL SPEND IT ON UNTAXED STUFF LIKE DRUGS AND HOOKERS.) And this Congress must pass it as soon as possible. (IT'S NOT A KIDNEY STONE, SIR.)

We have other work to do on taxes. (I STILL HAVE TO COMPLETE MY EZ FORM, TOO.) Unless the Congress acts, most of the tax relief we have delivered over the past 7 years will be taken away. Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. (WELL, TECHNICALLY IT ISN'T. GOING BACK TO YOUR NORMAL SALARY AFTER GETTING A BONUS IS NOT A "PAY CUT" EITHER.) Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800. (TRY EXPLAINING TO LAID OFF WORKERS HOW THEIR CEOs STILL MANAGE TO GET MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN BONUSES REGARDLESS OF THE STATE OF THEIR COMPANY.) Others have said they would personally be happy to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm, and I am pleased to report that the IRS accepts both checks and money orders. (OH, DISSIN' ON A FEDERAL AGENCY! AT LAST, SOMETHING EVERYONE CAN AGREE ON. STILL, IF BUSH MADE FOLLY OF SAY, THE STATE DEPT. OR, GOD FORBID, THE CIA [OK, THEY ARE REALLY THE SAME THING], WOULD THAT BE COOL? I'M JUST SAYING.)

Most Americans think their taxes are high enough. With all the other pressures on their finances, American families should not have to worry about the Federal Government taking a bigger bite out of their paychecks. (HONESTLY, I THINK MORE PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT THE PRICE OF GAS, GROCERIES AND HEALTHCARE. OH, AND THE WORTHLESS DOLLAR. BUT YOU WON'T DO SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THAT, WILL YOU?) There is only one way to eliminate this uncertainty: make the tax relief permanent. And Members of Congress should know: If any bill raising taxes reaches my desk, I will veto it. (SHOULD WE "READ YOUR LIPS?")

Just as we trust Americans with their own money, we need to earn their trust by spending their tax dollars wisely. (MAY I SUGGEST PORK FUTURES? IT KEEPS THE HEATHEN TURK AWAY.) Next week, I will send you a budget that terminates or substantially reduces 151 wasteful or bloated programs totaling more than $18 billion. (BLOATED? ARE ANY OF THESE WOMEN'S HEALTH PROGRAMS?) And this budget will keep America on track for a surplus in 2012. American families have to balance their budgets, and so should their Government. (AMEN, BROTHER! BUT WHY START SPENDING RESPONSIBLY NOW, SO LATE IN THE GAME?)

The people’s trust in their Government is undermined by congressional earmarks — special interest projects that are often snuck in at the last minute, without discussion or debate. (THERE SHOULD BE A BULLETED SUMMARY ON THE FRONT OF EVERY BILL, HOWEVER THICK, THAT LISTS THE CONTENTS OF THE BILL. IF IT AIN'T IN THE SUMMARY, IT AIN'T HONORED IN THE FINAL BILL, EVEN IF IT WAS PHYSICALLY INSERTED INTO THE BILL.) Last year, I asked you to voluntarily cut the number and cost of earmarks in half. I also asked you to stop slipping earmarks into committee reports that never even come to a vote. Unfortunately, neither goal was met. So this time, if you send me an appropriations bill that does not cut the number and cost of earmarks in half, I will send it back to you with my veto. (THAT'S THE "X" I MAKE WHERE IT SAYS "SIGNATURE.") And tomorrow, I will issue an Executive Order that directs Federal agencies to ignore any future earmark that is not voted on by the Congress. (AT LAST, A RESPECTABLE USE OF THIS OFTEN-ABUSED POWER.) If these items are truly worth funding, the Congress should debate them in the open and hold a public vote. (CAN I GET A WITNESS? AND HOW ABOUT MORE OPEN GOVERNMENT MEASURES?)

Our shared responsibilities extend beyond matters of taxes and spending.

On housing, we must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership and empower them to weather turbulent times in the housing market. My Administration brought together the HOPE NOW alliance, which is helping many struggling homeowners avoid foreclosure. The Congress can help even more. Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to reform Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac (IS THAT THAT BLACK COMEDIAN?), modernize the Federal Housing Administration, and allow State housing agencies to issue tax-free bonds to help homeowners refinance their mortgages. These are difficult times for many American families, and by taking these steps, we can help more of them keep their homes. (DO YOU MEAN END PREDATORY LENDING PRACTICES AND SUB-PRIME MORTGAGES? THAT'S WHAT IS REALLY NEEDED.)

To build a future of quality health care, we must trust patients and doctors to make medical decisions and empower them with better information and better options. (I DON'T THINK ANYONE EXCEPT HMOs ARE SUGGESTING OTHER PEOPLE SHOULD MAKE OUR MEDICAL DECISIONS, AND WE ALL HATE THEM.) We share a common goal: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans. The best way to achieve that goal is by expanding consumer choice, not government control. (IF THIS MEANS PRIVATIZATION, I'VE NOT BEEN IMPRESSED WITH THE PRIVATIZATION OF, SAY, SECURITY SERVICES. THEY END UP BILKING EVERYONE. PRIVATIZATION IS A CAPITALISTIC IDEAL FOR SURE, BUT IT'S NO MIRACLE CURE. IT HAS ITS OWN DISTINCT SET OF PROBLEMS.) So I have proposed ending the bias in the tax code against those who do not get their health insurance through their employer. This one reform would put private coverage within reach for millions, and I call on the Congress to pass it this year. (ON THIS TOPIC, I DON'T THINK THE RICHEST AMONG US SHOULD EVEN QUALIFY FOR HEALTH INSURANCE. I AM TALKING ABOUT THE TRUMPS, BLOOMBERGS, SOROSES, MELLON-SCAIFES AND ROCKEFELLERS HERE. THERE SHOULD BE AN INCOME CAP, ABOVE WHICH YOU CANNOT ENROLL FOR COVERAGE; YOU PAY RETAIL FOR ALL HEALTH SERVICES. SERIOUSLY.) The Congress must also expand health savings accounts, create Association Health Plans for small businesses, promote health information technology, and confront the epidemic of junk medical lawsuits. (I DON'T CONSIDER MALPRACTICE SUITS TO BE JUNK. BUT YOU WANT NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR DOCTORS JUST AS YOU WANT NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR YOUR STAFF, MILITARY CONTRACTORS, ETC.) With all these steps, we will help ensure that decisions about your medical care are made in the privacy of your doctor’s office — not in the halls of Congress. ("MADAME SPEAKER, DO I NEED A PROSTATE EXAM?")

On education, we must trust students to learn if given the chance and empower parents to demand results from our schools. In neighborhoods across our country, there are boys and girls with dreams — and a decent education is their only hope of achieving them. (YEAH, OTHERWISE YOU END UP IN IRAQ. OOPS!) Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results. Last year, fourth and eighth graders achieved the highest math scores on record. Reading scores are on the rise. And African-American and Hispanic students posted all-time highs. (YOU MEAN SCORES, RIGHT? OH!) Now we must work together to increase accountability (NOT YOUR FAVORITE WORD), add flexibility for States and districts, reduce the number of high school dropouts, and provide extra help for struggling schools. Members of Congress: The No Child Left Behind Act is a bipartisan achievement. It is succeeding. (I'VE HEARD QUITE THE OPPOSITE FROM A NUMBER OF EDUCATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS.) And we owe it to America’s children, their parents, and their teachers to strengthen this good law.

We must also do more to help children when their schools do not measure up. (SORRY, NO PRIVATE SCHOOL VOUCHERS. IF PUBLIC SCHOOLS ARE BROKEN THEY MUST BE FIXED. YOU KNOW, FOR A MAN WHO HATES "ENTITLEMENTS" AND ANYTHING THAT TAKES MORE TAX MONEY AWAY FROM PEOPLE, YOU SURE DON'T SEEM TO MIND TAXPAYER FUNDING OF PRIVATE [I.E. RELIGION-BASED) SCHOOLS FOR THOSE WHO CAN'T AFFORD THEM. WHAT GIVES?) Thanks to the D.C. Opportunity Scholarships you approved, more than 2,600 of the poorest children in our Nation’s capital have found new hope at a faith-based or other non-public school. Sadly, these schools are disappearing at an alarming rate in many of America’s inner cities. (NO, THEY'RE THERE. YOU JUST CAN'T SEE THEM FOR ALL THE GRAFFITI.) So I will convene a White House summit aimed at strengthening these lifelines of learning. And to open the doors of these schools to more children, I ask you to support a new $300 million program called Pell Grants for Kids. We have seen how Pell Grants help low-income college students realize their full potential. Together, we have expanded the size and reach of these grants. Now let’s apply that same spirit to help liberate poor children trapped in failing public schools. (YET ANOTHER LIBERATION MISSION COMING, EH?)

On trade, we must trust American workers to compete with anyone in the world and empower them by opening up new markets overseas. (MORE FOREIGN MCDONALD'S FRANCHISES PLEASE.) Today, our economic growth increasingly depends on our ability to sell American goods, crops, and services all over the world. So we are working to break down barriers to trade and investment wherever we can. We are working for a successful Doha round of trade talks, and we must complete a good agreement this year. At the same time, we are pursuing opportunities to open up new markets by passing free trade agreements. (AS LONG AS WE DON'T BUY ANY MORE CRAPPY CHINESE PRODUCTS.)

I thank the Congress for approving a good agreement with Peru. (WE NOW ARE THE LEADING IMPORTER OF LLAMAS FROM THAT COUNTRY.) Now I ask you to approve agreements with Colombia, Panama, and South Korea. Many products from these nations now enter America duty-free, yet many of our products face steep tariffs in their markets. (THAT'S NOT FAIR!) These agreements will level the playing field. (OR WE'LL LEVEL THEIR CITIES.) They will give us better access to nearly 100 million customers. And they will support good jobs for the finest workers in the world: those whose products say “Made in the USA.” (EXCEPT FOR US CARMAKERS.)

These agreements also promote America’s strategic interests. The first agreement that will come before you is with Colombia, a friend of America that is confronting violence and terror and fighting drug traffickers. If we fail to pass this agreement, we will embolden the purveyors of false populism in our hemisphere. (WHAT IS FALSE POPULISM? IS THAT LIKE FALSE PROPHETISM?) So we must come together, pass this agreement, and show our neighbors in the region that democracy leads to a better life. (THE DRUG TRADE IS ACTUALLY CAPITALISM ON STEROIDS, IF YOU'LL PARDON THE PUN. STILL, DANGEROUS BASTARDS.)

Trade brings better jobs, better choices, and better prices. Yet for some Americans, trade can mean losing a job, and the Federal Government has a responsibility to help. I ask the Congress to reauthorize and reform trade adjustment assistance, so we can help these displaced workers learn new skills and find new jobs. (HOW ABOUT TAX PENALTIES FOR COMPANIES THAT MOVE OVERSEAS? THEY GET ALL KINDS OF TAX BREAKS AND INCENTIVES. THIS SHOULD BE PREDICATED ON THEIR CONTINUING TO OPERATE INSIDE THE US. IF THEY LEAVE, THEY SHOULD FIRST HAVE TO REPAY THE MONEY THEY SAVED WITH TAX BREAKS.)

To build a future of energy security, we must trust in the creative genius of American researchers and entrepreneurs and empower them to pioneer a new generation of clean energy technology. Our security, our prosperity, and our environment all require reducing our dependence on oil. (YOU SAY THIS EVERY YEAR, YET YOU'RE STILL TRYING TO DRILL IN ALASKA, THE GULF OF MEXICO AND THE EVERGLADES.) Last year, I asked you to pass legislation to reduce oil consumption over the next decade, and you responded. (MORE PEOPLE ARE NOW USING HEALTHY CANOLA OIL FOR THEIR COOKING.) Together we should take the next steps: Let us fund new technologies that can generate coal power while capturing carbon emissions. (ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE THE MINES SAFER WHILE YOU'RE AT IT? AND HOW ABOUT SOME BINDING CARBON CAPS INSTEAD OF THIS VOLUNTARY SHIT?) Let us increase the use of renewable power and emissions-free nuclear power. Let us continue investing in advanced battery technology and renewable fuels to power the cars and trucks of the future. (LIKE THE DURACELL BUNNY.) Let us create a new international clean technology fund, which will help developing nations like India and China make greater use of clean energy sources. (AND LESS SPICY FOOD.) And let us complete an international agreement that has the potential to slow, stop, and eventually reverse the growth of greenhouse gases. This agreement will be effective only if it includes commitments by every major economy and gives none a free ride. (I KNOW, CHINA DIDN'T SIGN KYOTO, SO WHY SHOULD WE? BUT AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER THAN THOSE DOG-EATING, LEAD-CONTAINING-PRODUCT MANUFACTURERS? AND IF THE ANDERSONS DOWN THE STREET WON'T PUT THEIR RECYCLABLES OUT AT THE STREET, DOES THAT MEAN YOU SHOULD REFUSE TO AS WELL?) The United States is committed to strengthening our energy security and confronting global climate change. And the best way to meet these goals is for America to continue leading the way toward the development of cleaner and more efficient technology. (YET AT THIS VERY MOMENT DICK CHENEY IS ACTIVELY HELPING BLOCK STRINGENT FUEL EMISSION STANDARDS IN CALIFORNIA. THAT'S NOT LEADERSHIP, IT'S OBSTRUCTIONISM.)

To keep America competitive into the future, we must trust in the skill of our scientists and engineers and empower them to pursue the breakthroughs of tomorrow. (SINCE YOU TOOK OFFICE SCIENTISTS HAVE REGULARLY BEEN MUZZLED IF THEIR FINDINGS HAVE BEEN CONTRARY TO CONSERVATIVE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OR HAVE HIT BIG INDUSTRIES IN THE POCKET.) Last year, the Congress passed legislation supporting the American Competitiveness Initiative, but never followed through with the funding. This funding is essential to keeping our scientific edge. So I ask the Congress to double Federal support for critical basic research in the physical sciences and ensure America remains the most dynamic (IS THIS THE MOST GERMANE WORD TO USE HERE?) nation on earth.

On matters of science and life, we must trust in the innovative spirit of medical researchers and empower them to discover new treatments while respecting moral boundaries. In November, we witnessed a landmark achievement when scientists discovered a way to reprogram adult skin cells to act like embryonic stem cells. This breakthrough has the potential to move us beyond the divisive debates of the past by extending the frontiers of medicine without the destruction of human life. (THIS IS GOOD, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO DESTROY HUMAN LIVES TO MAKE STEM CELLS. ALL OF YOU IN THE CHAMBER WHO ARE PRO-GUN, PRO-WAR AND PRO-CAPITAL PUNISHMENT, SIT DOWN!!! YOU HAVE NO MORAL AUTHORITY ON HUMAN LIFE ISSUES.) So we are expanding funding for this type of ethical medical research. And as we explore promising avenues of research, we must also ensure that all life is treated with the dignity it deserves. (TERRY SCHIAVO SURE HAD A DIGNIFIED LIFE AS A VEGETABLE.) So I call on the Congress to pass legislation that bans unethical practices such as the buying, selling, patenting, or cloning of human life. (BUT THERE'S A BUCK TO BE MADE! COME ON! THIS STUFF IS SCI-FI SCRIPT GOLD.)

On matters of justice, we must trust in the wisdom of our Founders and empower judges who understand that the Constitution means what it says. (SIR, YOUR ADMINISTRATION HAS COMPLETELY ESCHEWED THE US CONSTITUTION. ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT COMPLETELY TRUE; YOU'VE USED IT AS TOILET PAPER.) I have submitted judicial nominees who will rule by the letter of the law, not the whim of the gavel. (DAMN THOSE ACTIVIST JUDGES!) Many of these nominees are being unfairly delayed. (THEN GIVE US SOMEONE WITHOUT A MISOGYNIST, HOMOPHOBIC OR RACIST OUTLOOK.) They are worthy of confirmation, and the Senate should give each of them a prompt up-or-down vote. (WHERE WAS HARRIET MIERS' UP-OR-DOWN VOTE? THAT INSISTENCE STRANGELY SEEMED TO DISAPPEAR AMONG REPUBLICANTS DURING HER NOMINATION.)

In communities across our land, we must trust in the good heart of the American people and empower them to serve their neighbors in need. Over the past 7 years, more of our fellow citizens have discovered that the pursuit of happiness leads to the path of service. Americans have volunteered in record numbers. Charitable donations are higher than ever. (THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT MORE NEED NOW THAN ANY TIME SINCE THE GREAT DEPRESSION.) Faith-based groups are bringing hope to pockets of despair (EMPTY POCKETS PUN?), with newfound support from the Federal Government. (NOPE, SORRY. FAITH-BASED GROUPS HAVE A DUAL AGENDA: THEIR STATED GOAL OF HELPING PEOPLE GET ON THEIR FEET AND RECRUITING NEW MEMBERS INTO THEIR FAITH. I DON'T WANT MY TAX DOLLARS GOING TO SUCH RECRUITMENT EFFORTS. CONGRESS HAS NO PLACE FUNDING THESE ORGANIZATIONS. SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE, AND ALL THAT.) And to help guarantee equal treatment for faith-based organizations when they compete for Federal funds, I ask you to permanently extend Charitable Choice. (I SAID NO!)

Tonight the armies of compassion (OXYMORON?) continue the march to a new day in the Gulf Coast. America honors the strength and resilience of the people of this region. We reaffirm our pledge to help them build stronger and better than before. And tonight I am pleased to announce that in April we will host this year’s North American Summit of Canada, Mexico, and the United States in the great city of New Orleans. (THAT'S GREAT FOR BUSINESS OWNERS THERE, I.E. YOUR BASE. BUT IT WON'T HELP THE AVERAGE CITIZEN WHO MAY STILL BE DISPLACED FROM HURRICANE KATRINA.)

There are two other pressing challenges that I have raised repeatedly before this body, and that this body has failed to address: entitlement spending and immigration.

Every Member in this chamber knows that spending on entitlement programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid is growing faster than we can afford. (SEE ABOVE COMMENTS ABOUT ENTITLEMENTS SUCH AS SCHOOL VOUCHERS TO REVEAL YOUR OWN HIPOCRISY, AND ALSO ABOUT THE CRAPSHOOT OF PRIVATIZATION.) And we all know the painful choices ahead if America stays on this path: massive tax increases, sudden and drastic cuts in benefits, or crippling deficits. (ACCORDING TO RONALD "GOD" REAGAN, DEFICITS DON'T MATTER.) I have laid out proposals to reform these programs. Now I ask Members of Congress to offer your proposals and come up with a bipartisan solution to save these vital programs for our children and grandchildren.

The other pressing challenge is immigration. America needs to secure our borders — and with your help, my Administration is taking steps to do so. We are increasing worksite enforcement (AKA TERRIFYING ARMED RAIDS), we are deploying fences (WHICH ONE DAY A MEXICAN LEADER WILL STAND BEFORE AND ASK US TO "TEAR DOWN") and advanced technologies to stop illegal crossings, we have effectively ended the policy of “catch and release” at the border (ARE THEY FISH? PESCADOS?), and by the end of this year, we will have doubled the number of border patrol agents. (MY BUDDY CAPTAIN TONY IS AMONG THEM!) Yet we also need to acknowledge that we will never fully secure our border until we create a lawful way for foreign workers to come here and support our economy. This will take pressure off the border and allow law enforcement to concentrate on those who mean us harm. (LOS BANDITOS.) We must also find a sensible and humane (EUTHANASIA?) way to deal with people here illegally. Illegal immigration is complicated, but it can be resolved. And it must be resolved in a way that upholds both our laws and our highest ideals.

This is the business of our Nation here at home. Yet building a prosperous future for our citizens also depends on confronting enemies abroad and advancing liberty in troubled regions of the world.

Our foreign policy is based on a clear premise: We trust that people, when given the chance, will choose a future of freedom and peace. (WE ALSO LIKE FOREIGN COUNTRIES WHICH HAVE SOME KIND OF RESOURCE WE CAN EXPLOIT, HUMAN OR OTHERWISE.) In the last 7 years, we have witnessed stirring moments in the history of liberty. We have seen citizens in Georgia and Ukraine stand up for their right to free and fair elections. We have seen people in Lebanon take to the streets to demand their independence. We have seen Afghans emerge from the tyranny of the Taliban to choose a new president and a new parliament. We have seen jubilant Iraqis holding up ink-stained fingers and celebrating their freedom. And these images of liberty have inspired us.

In the past 7 years, we have also seen images that have sobered us. (IS THAT HOW YOU GOT OFF THE SAUCE, GEORGE, OR WAS IT THE DUI?) We have watched throngs of mourners (ALL MALE) in Lebanon and Pakistan carrying the caskets of beloved leaders taken by the assassin’s hand. We have seen wedding guests in blood-soaked finery staggering from a hotel in Jordan, Afghans and Iraqis blown up in mosques and markets, and trains in London and Madrid ripped apart by bombs. And on a clear September day, we saw thousands of our fellow citizens taken from us in an instant. (IT JUST AIN'T A SPEECH WITHOUT 9/11, IS IT?) These horrific images serve as a grim reminder: The advance of liberty is opposed by terrorists and extremists — evil men who despise freedom, despise America, and aim to subject millions to their violent rule. (IF YOU ASKED THEM, I DON'T THINK THEY'D SAY "THE ADVANCE OF LIBERTY" CAUSED THEM TO ATTACK US. BUT WHATEVER THEY'D SAY, THE TRUE ANSWER IS "HOMICIDAL LUNACY."

Since September 11, we have taken the fight to these terrorists and extremists. We will stay on the offense, we will keep up the pressure, and we will deliver justice to the enemies of America. (IN 30 MINUTES OR LESS, OR IT'S FREE.)

We are engaged in the defining ideological struggle of the 21st century. (YOU CAN KILL A PERSON BUT NOT AN IDEOLOGY, HOWEVER MUCH IT MAY DESERVE TO BE KILLED.) The terrorists oppose every principle of humanity and decency that we hold dear. Yet in this war on terror, there is one thing we and our enemies agree on: In the long run, men and women who are free to determine their own destinies will reject terror and refuse to live in tyranny. That is why the terrorists are fighting to deny this choice to people in Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Palestinian Territories. And that is why, for the security of America and the peace of the world, we are spreading the hope of freedom. (WE NEED TO CONCENTRATE MORE ON PEACE IN THE WORLD, AND LESS ON EXPANDING OUR PIECE OF THE WORLD.)

In Afghanistan, America, our 25 NATO allies (THAT'S ONE SOLDIER FROM EACH.), and 15 partner nations (DITTO.) are helping the Afghan people defend their freedom and rebuild their country. Thanks to the courage of these military and civilian personnel, a nation that was once a safe haven for al Qaida is now a young democracy where boys and girls are going to school, new roads and hospitals are being built, and people are looking to the future with new hope. These successes must continue, so we are adding 3,200 Marines to our forces in Afghanistan, where they will fight the terrorists and train the Afghan Army and police. (WE TRAINED THE AFGHANS TO FIGHT THE SOVIETS. LOOK WHERE THAT ENDED UP: TALIBAN, OSAMA, ETC.) Defeating the Taliban and al Qaida is critical to our security, and I thank the Congress for supporting America’s vital mission in Afghanistan.

In Iraq, the terrorists and extremists are fighting to deny a proud people their liberty and to establish safe havens for attacks across the world. (FOR THE LAST TIME, THEY WEREN'T USING IRAQ UNTIL YOU MARCHED IN AND DESTROYED THE POWER STRUCTURE THAT KEPT THEM AT BAY. THIS IS NOT PRO-SADDAM, IT IS JUST STATING A FACT THAT YOU AND YOUR MINDLESS MINIONS CONTINUE TO IGNORE. THE IRAQ QUAGMIRE - AND IT IS ONE - IS YOUR DOING.) One year ago, our enemies were succeeding in their efforts to plunge Iraq into chaos. So we reviewed our strategy and changed course. We launched a surge of American forces into Iraq. And we gave our troops a new mission: Work with Iraqi forces to protect the Iraqi people, pursue the enemy in its strongholds, and deny the terrorists sanctuary anywhere in the country.

The Iraqi people quickly realized that something dramatic had happened. Those who had worried that America was preparing to abandon them instead saw tens of thousands of American forces flowing into their country. (A SCARY IMAGE FROM ANY STANDPOINT.) They saw our forces moving into neighborhoods, clearing out the terrorists, and staying behind to ensure the enemy did not return. And they saw our troops, along with Provincial Reconstruction Teams (CARPETBAGGERS?) that include Foreign Service Officers and other skilled public servants, coming in to ensure that improved security was followed by improvements in daily life. Our military and civilians in Iraq are performing with courage and distinction (EXCEPT FOR BLACKWATER AND KBR, THE CROOKED, RAPING, DEFILING, MURDERING-WITH-IMPUNITY BASTARDS.), and they have the gratitude of our whole Nation.

The Iraqis launched a surge of their own. In the fall of 2006, Sunni tribal leaders grew tired of al Qaida’s brutality and started a popular uprising called “The Anbar Awakening.” Over the past year, similar movements have spread across the country. And today, this grassroots surge includes more than 80,000 Iraqi citizens who are fighting the terrorists. The government in Baghdad has stepped forward as well — adding more than 100,000 new Iraqi soldiers and police during the past year. (AWESOME! LET'S LET THEM TAKE IT FROM THERE. HOMECOMING PARADE TIME IN THE USA!)

While the enemy is still dangerous and more work remains, the American and Iraqi surges have achieved results few of us could have imagined just 1 year ago:

When we met last year, many said containing the violence was impossible. A year later, high profile terrorist attacks are down, civilian deaths are down, and sectarian killings are down. (I CONTINUE TO READ ABOUT SUICIDE BOMBINGS DAILY. AMERICAN FORCES AND IRAQI CIVIS CONTINUE TO DIE.)

When we met last year, militia extremists — some armed and trained by Iran — were wreaking havoc in large areas of Iraq. A year later, Coalition and Iraqi forces have killed or captured hundreds of militia fighters. And Iraqis of all backgrounds increasingly realize that defeating these militia fighters is critical to the future of their country. (WELL DUH!)

When we met last year, al Qaida had sanctuaries in many areas of Iraq, and their leaders had just offered American forces safe passage out of the country. ("JUST WALK AWAY, AND I SPARE YOUR LIVES. THERE'S BEEN TOO MUCH PAIN. WE CAN PUT AN END TO ALL THIS.") Today, it is al Qaida that is searching for safe passage. They have been driven from many of the strongholds they once held (I WOULD'VE MADE THEM WALK.), and over the past year, we have captured or killed thousands of extremists in Iraq, including hundreds of key al Qaida leaders and operatives. Last month, Osama bin Laden released a tape in which he railed against Iraqi tribal leaders who have turned on al Qaida and admitted that Coalition forces are growing stronger in Iraq. (I WISH YOU HADN"T MENTIONED THIS GUY; IT CALLS ATTENTION TO THE FACT THAT HE'S STILL WALKING FREE, DESPITE YOUR EARLY PROMISES TO BRING HIM TO JUSTICE, DEAD OR ALIVE.) Ladies and gentlemen, some may deny the surge is working, but among the terrorists there is no doubt. Al Qaida is on the run in Iraq, and this enemy will be defeated.

When we met last year, our troop levels in Iraq were on the rise. Today, because of the progress just described, we are implementing a policy of “return on success,” and the surge forces we sent to Iraq are beginning to come home. (GOOD. MORE OF THIS.)

This progress is a credit to the valor of our troops and the brilliance of their commanders. This evening, I want to speak directly to our men and women on the frontlines. (YOU'D HAVE TO BE THERE TO DO THAT!) Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guardsmen: In the past year, you have done everything we have asked of you, and more. (IN THE MILITARY THAT'S KINDA WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.) Our Nation is grateful for your courage. We are proud of your accomplishments. And tonight in this hallowed chamber, with the American people as our witness, we make you a solemn pledge: In the fight ahead, you will have all you need to protect our Nation. (WOOHOO! BODY ARMOR, REINFORCED VEHICLES AND MORE ARE FINALLY ON THE WAY. ALMOST FIVE YEARS INTO THE CONFLICT. TOO BAD WE CAN'T GO BACK IN TIME AND PUT SOME FORETHOUGHT INTO THIS.) And I ask the Congress to meet its responsibilities to these brave men and women by fully funding our troops.

Our enemies in Iraq have been hit hard. They are not yet defeated, and we can still expect tough fighting ahead. Our objective in the coming year is to sustain and build on the gains we made in 2007, while transitioning to the next phase of our strategy. American troops are shifting from leading operations, to partnering with Iraqi forces, and, eventually, to a protective overwatch mission. (OK, BUT NO PERMANENT BASES! OTHERWISE THAT MEANS THE WAR IS NEVER REALLY OVER.) As part of this transition, one Army brigade combat team and one Marine Expeditionary Unit have already come home and will not be replaced. In the coming months, four additional brigades and two Marine battalions will follow suit. Taken together, this means more than 20,000 of our troops are coming home. (A GOOD START.)

Any further drawdown of U.S. troops will be based on conditions in Iraq and the recommendations of our commanders. (WELL, COMMANDERS WHOSE ADVICE WE LIKE.) General Petraeus has warned that too fast a drawdown could result in the “disintegration of the Iraqi Security Forces, al Qaida-Iraq regaining lost ground, [and] a marked increase in violence.” Members of Congress: Having come so far and achieved so much, we must not allow this to happen.

In the coming year, we will work with Iraqi leaders as they build on the progress they are making toward political reconciliation. At the local level, Sunnis, Shia, and Kurds are beginning to come together to reclaim their communities and rebuild their lives. Progress in the provinces must be matched by progress in Baghdad. And we are seeing some encouraging signs. The national government is sharing oil revenues with the provinces. (I'M NOT MUCH FOR PROVINCIAL ENTITLEMENTS.) The parliament recently passed both a pension law and de-Ba’athification reform. Now they are debating a provincial powers law. The Iraqis still have a distance to travel. But after decades of dictatorship and the pain of sectarian violence, reconciliation is taking place — and the Iraqi people are taking control of their future. (NOW IF ONLY THE SAUDIS WOULD DO THE SAME. YOU KNOW, OVERTHROW YOUR SABRE DANCE PARTNER AND EXPERIENCE DEMOCRACY FOR THEMSELVES. WHY DON'T WE HELP THEM? DIDN'T YOU SAY ABOVE THAT WE MUST SHOW OUR NEIGHBORS IN THE REGION THAT DEMOCRACY LEADS TO A BETTER LIFE?)

The mission in Iraq has been difficult and trying for our Nation. But it is in the vital interest of the United States that we succeed. A free Iraq will deny al Qaida a safe haven. (SEE MY ABOVE COMMENTS ABOUT IRAQ AS A SAFE HAVEN. DO YOU EVER LISTEN?) A free Iraq will show millions across the Middle East that a future of liberty is possible. (SEE MY ABOVE COMMENTS ABOUT SAUDI ARABIA.) And a free Iraq will be a friend of America, a partner in fighting terror, and a source of stability in a dangerous part of the world.

By contrast, a failed Iraq would (FURTHER) embolden extremists, strengthen Iran, and give terrorists a base from which to launch new attacks on our friends, our allies, and our homeland. (A BASE THEY DIDN'T HAVE BEFORE THE INVASION.) The enemy has made its intentions clear. At a time when the momentum seemed to favor them, al Qaida’s top commander in Iraq declared that they will not rest until they have attacked us here in Washington. My fellow Americans: We will not rest either. We will not rest until this enemy has been defeated. We must do the difficult work today, so that years from now people will look back and say that this generation rose to the moment, prevailed in a tough fight, and left behind a more hopeful region and a safer America.

We are also standing against the forces of extremism in the Holy Land, where we have new cause for hope. Palestinians have elected a president who recognizes that confronting terror is essential to achieving a state where his people can live in dignity and at peace with Israel. Israelis have leaders who recognize that a peaceful, democratic Palestinian state will be a source of lasting security. (IS THIS WHY THE PALESTINIANS BROKE THROUGH A WALL INTO EGYPT?) This month in Ramallah and Jerusalem, I assured leaders from both sides that America will do, and I will do, everything we can to help them achieve a peace agreement that defines a Palestinian state by the end of this year. The time has come for a Holy Land where a democratic Israel and a democratic Palestine live side-by-side in peace.

We are also standing against the forces of extremism embodied by the regime in Tehran. Iran’s rulers oppress a good and talented people. (EXCELLENT AT ATTACKING EMBASSIES.) And wherever freedom advances in the Middle East, it seems the Iranian regime is there to oppose it. Iran is funding and training militia groups in Iraq, supporting Hezbollah terrorists in Lebanon, and backing Hamas’ efforts to undermine peace in the Holy Land. Tehran is also developing ballistic missiles of increasing range and continues to develop its capability to enrich uranium, which could be used to create a nuclear weapon. (DID YOU READ THE NIE? I DO REMEMBER YOU TOLD ISRAELTHAT THE REPORT DOES NOT REFLECT YOUR VIEWS, I.E. IT IS THE TRUTH.) Our message to the people of Iran is clear: We have no quarrel with you, we respect your traditions and your history, and we look forward to the day when you have your freedom. (OH SHIT, WE SAID THE SAME THING TO THE PEOPLE OF IRAQ A FEW YEARS AGO. "AHMADINEJAD, LEAVE IRAN NOW OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES...") Our message to the leaders of Iran is also clear: Verifiably suspend your nuclear enrichment, so negotiations can begin. And to rejoin the community of nations, come clean about your nuclear intentions and past actions, stop your oppression at home, and cease your support for terror abroad. (WE COULD STAND TO COME CLEAN ABOUT PAST ACTIONS [SUPPORT FOR DICTATORS ALL OVER THE WORLD, ETC.], BUT WE ADMIT NO WRONG... EVER.) But above all, know this: America will confront those who threaten our troops, we will stand by our allies, and we will defend our vital interests in the Persian Gulf.

On the homefront, we will continue to take every lawful and effective measure to protect our country. This is our most solemn duty. We are grateful that there has not been another attack on our soil since September 11. This is not for a lack of desire or effort on the part of the enemy. In the past 6 years, we have stopped numerous attacks, including a plot to fly a plane into the tallest building in Los Angeles and another to blow up passenger jets bound for America over the Atlantic. (AND DON'T FORGET, A PLAN TO CRASH A PLANE AT A MYLIE CYRUS AKA HANNAH MONTANNAH CONCERT. THAT SHOW'S TOO EXPENSIVE NOT TO SEE THE WHOLE THING, BODY DOUBLES AND ALL.) Dedicated men and women in our Government toil day and night to stop the terrorists from carrying out their plans. These good citizens are saving American lives, and everyone in this chamber owes them our thanks. And we owe them something more: We owe them the tools they need to keep our people safe. (WOOHOO! BODY ARMOR, REINFORCED VEHICLES AND MORE ARE FINALLY ON THE WAY. WOW, DEJA VU!)

One of the most important tools we can give them is the ability to monitor terrorist communications. To protect America, we need to know who the terrorists are talking to, what they are saying, and what they are planning. (FUCK FISA. YOU CAN GET APPROVAL FOR WIRETAPS AFTER THE FACT, SO WHY DO YOU NEED WARRANTLESS TAPS? STOP LISTENING TO MY PHONE CONVERSATIONS OR YOU'RE GOING TO GET AN EARFUL.) Last year, the Congress passed legislation to help us do that. Unfortunately, the Congress set the legislation to expire on February 1. This means that if you do not act by Friday, our ability to track terrorist threats would be weakened and our citizens will be in greater danger. The Congress must ensure the flow of vital intelligence is not disrupted. (AND IT MUST PROTECT OUR INVALUABLE BENEFACTORS, THE BIG TELECOMS, FROM "FRIVOLOUS" LAWSUITS. I SWEAR, SOME PEOPLE GET SO TOUCHY WHEN YOU INVADE THEIR PRIVACY!) The Congress must pass liability protection for companies believed to have assisted in the efforts to defend America. We have had ample time for debate. (IN A DEMOCRACY THE DISCUSSION OF CIVIL LIBERTIES SHOULD NEVER END.) The time to act is now.

Protecting our Nation from the dangers of a new century requires more than good intelligence and a strong military. It also requires changing the conditions that breed resentment and allow extremists to prey on despair. (WOW, THIS FROM YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REPUBLICANT MENTALITY OF "LESS PREVENTION, MORE PRISONS?") So America is using its influence to build a freer, more hopeful, and more compassionate world. This is a reflection of our national interest and the calling of our conscience.

America is opposing genocide in Sudan and supporting freedom in countries from Cuba and Zimbabwe to Belarus and Burma. (HOW ABOUT SAUDI ARABIA?)

America is leading the fight against global poverty, with strong education initiatives and humanitarian assistance. We have also changed the way we deliver aid by launching the Millennium Challenge Account. This program strengthens democracy, transparency, and the rule of law in developing nations, and I ask you to fully fund this important initiative. (MAN, CAN WE GET ONE OF THOSE INITIATIVES HERE? IT'S JUST WHAT WE NEED! I MEAN, AFTER YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE, NATURALLY.)

America is leading the fight against global hunger. (HE INVITES ALL VISITING FOREIGN LEADERS TO BARBEQUE AT THE CRAWFORD RANCH.) Today, more than half the world’s food aid comes from the United States. (AND THE REST OF OUR FOOD IS CONSUMED HERE BY OBESE PRETEENS.) And tonight, I ask the Congress to support an innovative proposal to provide food assistance by purchasing crops directly from farmers in the developing world, so we can build up local agriculture and help break the cycle of famine. (FOOD STAMPS ARE STILL EVIL, HOWEVER.)

America is leading the fight against disease. With your help, we are working to cut by half the number of malaria-related deaths in 15 African nations. (WITH HUGE SHIPMENTS OF IMMODIUM AD.) And our Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief is treating 1.4 million people. We can bring healing and hope to many more. So I ask you to maintain the principles that have changed behavior and made this program a success. And I call on you to double our initial commitment to fighting HIV/AIDS by approving an additional $30 billion over the next 5 years. (AS LONG AS THERE IS NO MENTION OF CONDOMS OR FAMILY PLANNING GOING ON, WE WANT YOU TO USE THIS MONEY TO FIGHT DISEASE AND FAMINE.)

America is a force for hope in the world because we are a compassionate people, and some of the most compassionate Americans are those who have stepped forward to protect us. We must keep faith with all who have risked life and limb so that we might live in freedom and peace. Over the past 7 years, we have increased funding for veterans by more than 95 percent. As we increase funding, we must also reform our veterans system to meet the needs of a new war (WTF? MAKING SOME PLANS WE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?) and a new generation. I call on the Congress to enact the reforms recommended by Senator Bob Dole and Secretary Donna Shalala, so we can improve the system of care for our wounded warriors (AWESOME ALLITERATION!) and help them build lives of hope, promise, and dignity. (MY GOD, IS THAT DOLE? I THOUGHT IT WAS DESI ARNAZ. BOTH HE AND CHENEY LOOK EMBALMED.)

Our military families also sacrifice for America. They endure sleepless nights and the daily struggle of providing for children while a loved one is serving far from home. We have a responsibility to provide for them. So I ask you to join me in expanding their access to childcare, creating new hiring preferences for military spouses across the Federal Government, and allowing our troops to transfer their unused education benefits to their spouses or children. (I LIKE ALL THESE NOTIONS. THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM: THAT HIRING PREFERENCE THING SOUNDS A LOT LIKE A TYPE OF AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON THAT AGAIN?) Our military families serve our Nation, they inspire our Nation, and tonight our Nation honors them.

The secret of our strength, the miracle of America, is that our greatness lies not in our Government, but in the spirit and determination of our people. When the Federal Convention met in Philadelphia in 1787, our Nation was bound by the Articles of Confederation, which began with the words, “We the undersigned delegates.” When Gouverneur Morris was asked to draft the preamble to our new Constitution, he offered an important revision and opened with words that changed the course of our Nation and the history of the world: “We the people.” (WE'VE ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT YOU VIEW THE US CONSTITUTION AS CHARMIN. PS: RIP MR. WHIPPLE.)

By trusting the people, our Founders wagered that a great and noble Nation could be built on the liberty that resides in the hearts of all men and women. (WELL, WHITE MEN IS WHAT THEY ACTUALLY MEANT. WE'VE IRONICALLY GOTTEN CLOSER TO THEIR LITERAL MEANING AS WE'VE PUT THOSE EARLY TIMES FARTHER BEHIND US.) By trusting the people, succeeding generations transformed our fragile young democracy into the most powerful Nation on earth and a beacon of hope for millions. And so long as we continue to trust the people, our Nation will prosper, our liberty will be secure, and the State of our Union will remain strong. (WAITING FOR THIS LINE IS LIKE LISTENING TO THE LONGEST DRUM ROLL EVER. IT SEEMS TO GET PUSHED FARTHER AND FARTHER BACK INTO THE SPEECH EACH YEAR. SAY, IS THERE A LAW AGAINST USING A DIFFERENT ADJECTIVE THAN "STRONG" ONCE IN A WHILE? HOW ABOUT "ROBUST" OR "SOLID" OR, MORE TRUTHFULLY, "FUCKED?") So tonight, with confidence in freedom’s power, and trust in the people, let us set forth to do their business. (THAT LAST BIT SOUNDS KIND OF NASTY. HMM. SO THAT'S IT, HUH? NO "GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK?" WE'LL I'VE GOT A CLOSER FOR YOU: "YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK! [AND THE MISSING ONE, TOO.] GOODBYE!")